The 12 days of a mom's Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year...or so they tell me. Christmas is my favorite season. I love the lights, sounds and smells of the holiday season. I feel people are nice and smile more than usual and this makes my heart happy. BUT Christmas also brings about its challenges for moms, who usually are the ones that make Christmas actually happen.

Here is my life during the holiday season. I am not complaining nor trying to martyr myself cause the good Lord knows I love it, but please just be a little kinder and gentler to moms this season because this is really what we go through!

On the 1st day of Christmas my husband said to me, "here's the card don't be so spending happy!"
On the 2nd day of Christmas I started shopping, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happy!
On the 3rd day of Christmas we got a Christmas tree, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happy!
On the 4th day of Christmas I swept up pine needles from the tree, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happy!
On the 5th day of Christmas I started watching TV, Christmas vacation and now a musical where Elf sings, I swept up pine needles from the tree, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happy!
On the 6th day of Christmas I did more shopping- more Frozen crap, Christmas vacation and now a musical where Elf sings, I swept up pine needles from the tree, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happy!
On the 7th day of Christmas I sent out Christmas cards, more Frozen crap, Christmas vacation and now a musical where Elf sings, I swept up pine needles from the tree, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happy!
On the 8th day of Christmas we put up Christmas lights, "I don't think we have enough," I sent out Christmas cards, more Frozen crap, Christmas vacation and now a musical where Elf sings, I swept up pine needles from the tree, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happy!
On the 9th day of Christmas I need to start planning the dinner, maybe just chili this year (Hey, it did win an award), we put up Christmas lights, "I don't think we have enough," I sent out Christmas cards, more Frozen crap, Christmas vacation and now a musical where Elf sings, I swept up pine needles from the tree, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happy!
On the 10th day of Christmas I started wrapping all the gifts, how did it cost so much?, I need to start planning the dinner, maybe just chili this year (Hey, it did win an award), we put up Christmas lights, "I don't think we have enough," I sent out Christmas cards, more Frozen crap, Christmas vacation and now a musical where Elf sings, I swept up pine needles from the tree, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happy!
On the 11th day of Christmas when's it going to be January? I started wrapping all the gifts, how did it cost so much?, I need to start planning the dinner, maybe just chili this year (Hey, it did win an award), we put up Christmas lights, "I don't think we have enough," I sent out Christmas cards, more Frozen crap, Christmas vacation and now a musical where Elf sings, I swept up pine needles from the tree, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happy!
On the 12th day of Christmas I relaxed..just kidding, I cleaned out my closet, when's it going to be January? I started wrapping all the gifts, how did it cost so much?, I need to start planning the dinner, maybe just chili this year (Hey, it did win an award), we put up Christmas lights, "I don't think we have enough," I sent out Christmas cards, more Frozen crap, Christmas vacation and now a musical where Elf sings, I swept up pine needles from the tree, 2 Frozen watches and don't be so spending happeeeeeeee!

Merry Christmas from the Wrights and in case you didn't' get a Christmas card this year, send me your address for crying out loud! What do you think, I just know where you all live! Geeeez!

* Our first attempt at our Christmas card picture*

This Moment

None of us truly lives for ourselves. You can't. Unless you are alone stranded on some island, most of the things you do each day is for other people. When you were growing up, you attended school because your parents made you. It was for them. Then when you went to college it was for your future self, still not for you at this moment in time. Now, who are you living for? Family, friends, co-workers, perhaps still your future self? None of us truly lives for ourselves. What I mean by this is that each moment that passes, each day that was spent thinking, worrying or focusing on something other than our own happiness is a day wasted. And how many days have we already wasted? Of course we can't be 'happy.' We are too busy dealing with so many other aspects of life. We work tirelessly to keep everyone around us warm and safe and happy that we forget we have to make sure we are living for ourselves too. But how do you do that in such a connected, over sensitized world with very little emphasis on each passing special moment?

I feel like each day of my life flies by and I have no idea what happened. All I can do is focus on what needs to get done the next day. And so many people will tell you, "Oh that is just having kids and a family." Maybe. But how do I break free from the cycle. That is what no one ever tells you. Even before we had kids, I was in this cycle. Get up, get ready, work, eat, bed. Now it's just a little harder doing this for 2 other people but it's still the same concept. So to make sure I am living, even if it's just for 5 minutes of the day, for myself then some changes need to be made. You can't walk around saying, " I wish things were different," but have no plan to change it.

Bye, Technology. And no, I can't throw my computer out the window, I need it so I can pay my bills! But I don't need all this crap on my phone that constantly shows me other people's life moments. I have no problem with Facebook and emails and instagram, etc and I will be the first to admit I am probably addicted. But that is was addiction does, it robs you of happiness. When you hear the word 'addiction' you probably think of alcoholics, drug addicts maybe over eaters. But all of us have addictions, some are just better at hiding them than others. When I am on my phone, I am missing my daughters discovering a new leaf, hugging, or simply just standing in the sunlight. When I am on my phone I am missing my husband walk in the door from work, arms wide open as his kids rush to his arms with excitement. I miss clever and witty things Mattie says and I miss that mischievous smile of Gigi's. All because I was on my phone. I need a phone to call people and for people to call me. Even if I have to go to Wal-Mart and sign up for a Jitterbug. And I heard a long time ago, before I was even born a man invented a camera that takes pretty good pictures. I am missing life, my life that I am trying to live for and it's my fault I am missing it. I can check Facebook and instagram later at night on a computer like we used to do way back in 2005. But time, THIS time is fleeting and I am missing so many moments.

I have to get off the couch. My name is Alison and I addicted to the couch. It's driving my husband nuts anyway. He got off the couch about 6 weeks ago and started running again. I say again because before we were married with kids, my husband and I ran together. We really enjoyed it. We had goals of 5Ks and 10Ks and I think we both did a 5K at some point but then we just stopped. I know how hard it is to just want to lay down and watch a good show and that is fine from time to time, but it has become my second job. Anything you can do for 5-6 hours straight is your second job. Plus my husband may leave me if I don't end this relationship. But I do love you couch, I promise it's not you, it's me.

Perspective- I need perspective. I don't know what the opposite of this word is. Let's call it un-perspective. I need to be able to handle disappointments and set backs a little better. I need to be able to dust myself off, say "Oh well that sucked," and move on. I can't do this. I am addicted to un-perspective. I need to dwell on things that went wrong. I need to focus on those things for days. I need those unhappy events to linger in my mind constantly robbing my present moments of happiness. Sounds crazy, right? Yes it is but I honestly don't' know any other way except to be more aware of this when it happens and make a conscious effort to move on. Maybe this is just a woman thing. I hope so, otherwise I seriously might be crazy.

I may try eating more salads. I'm not going to take this one too serious. It's just a suggestion for now. I live in the south, so salads around here are only served with biscuits and gray.

I know this may sounds like a New Years resolution and maybe it is in some ways, but why wait until New Years to try and change your life today? I want to be in each moment more. I want to look back at my life and actually remember events and details, not Kim and Kanyes break-up (cause you do know that is coming, right?). I think it's really difficult to live in this world today and try to focus on your life and happiness with so many distractions that have been incorporated. But if I could choose this life or being stranded on an island alone where all I had to do was focus on my self and happiness, I would choose this life any day. Besides, I doubt they have couches on an island.

Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy.

Alison v.s. Play room

I did it! I finally did it! I got rid of my children's play room! I have taken back MY space and created a dining room which is what this room was meant for anyway. Do you want to know why I have a play room anyway? It's not so my kids can have a room in which to throw toys and explore. It's because one time a long time ago when Mattie was little I saw a commercial. It was a mom that had converted a room of her house into a play room for her toddler. "It's a place just for him," she said. "A place he can have for HIS stuff only." She looked really pretty with make up and perfect hair. She was smiling as her and her son played with cars on the pristine carpet and her son smiled and laughed and hugged his mom. "thanks mom," I heard him say, "for making me feel special."

I wanted to be that mom! I want that for my kids! My kids deserve a place of their own! So, one year ago we moved and bought a house with a dining room and I had no dining room furniture. Finally it was my turn to be THAT mom. I bought shelving and cute baskets. I hung artwork and created a reading area. This was going to be the place my kids could come to and have their own space. I am a good mom.

NOT! Nope! That didn't happen!

Here is what really happened....

They destroyed that room! They threw toys everywhere! They drilled play-doh into my carpet! They peed on the floor! They drew on the walls! It went from a special place for my kids to a place of stress for me! I hated the play room!

Luckily the play room has 2 doors which can close and then everything I hate about it is invisible. But sometimes someone would open one of the doors and I would again be reminded of the mess to clean up. Of course, my kids should clean this up. I would tell them often, sometimes everyday, "Please go clean the play room." This would ensue a series of whining and excuses such as belly aches, head aches, broken elbows. "Fine," I would say. "I will just do it." Sometimes my mother in law would come to visit and she would immediately go in there and clean. She has years of experience and I doubt the same feeling of hatred for the room that grew in me each time I laid eyes on it.

Weeks would pass and this room would get more out of control. Christmas and birthdays brought on added stress and 'stuff.' Toys were now being thrown in places they didn't belong. Parts to games were missing. Barbies were naked and no clothes were to be found. I would get to my breaking point then set aside a Saturday to just go in and organize. Games were back together, blocks were back in their containers and Barbies once again wore designer clothes only I would be so lucky as to ever own. Peace. Harmony. Tranquility. I am a good mom. .

Attack of the 2 and 4 year old. What took me 6 hours to complete took them 6 seconds to destroy. Why do I do this to myself I would wonder. Then my mind would go back to the woman in the commercial. I bet she doesn't complain and whine about the play room. I bet she cheeringly cleans it up for her son. After all, HIS space is all too important to take away. So out came the carper cleaner. After a few tries, play-doh really isn't that difficult to get out. Drawings on the wall can be taken away with a quick trip to Bi-lo for some magic erasers. Load up the kids and promise them candy if they are good. Besides I only need 1 item, how long could that take? 35 minutes later.....

The playroom is once again clean. Peace. Harmony. Tranquility. I am a good mom.

Destroyed.

This relationship lasted a full year. One year of my life! Some days I couldn't do anything until I cleaned it. I began to not care if Barbie had clothes or if all the pieces to Memory were there. If some of the cards are missing, then the game will take longer and maybe I will get a longer break! I began talking myself into keeping it more often. They need it, it's a good idea.

Destroyed.

DONE! I am DONE! This play room is a big cause of my stress! It drives me nuts! I hate it! There I said it, I HATE IT! I don't care if they have their own space, they are 2 and 4 and this is MY house! I went to college for 7 years, yes 7! And no, I am not a doctor. I paid for this house, I earned this house! I love this house, and I HATE this room!

Disassemble. Boxes. Donations. Trash bags. MY room!

Peace. Harmony. Tranquility. I am a good mom.

Pay no attention to the monkey game on the floor!

saying goodbye

Over the past few weeks I have had close ties to people that are going through extreme grief. Those that have lost loved ones and just don't know what to do next. They question God and faith and what this all means and all I can do is make them laugh and try to act like everything is normal. I don't do well in these types of situations. I say stupid things and make funny jokes and very possibly make them feel worse. I'm just tying to help. All I know is that you never get over it, you just find a new normal.

What I do know for sure is this: I feel better when I have a really good friendship with Jesus. When I rely on Him and talk to Him and believe that He is truly the one and only. I feel that and no one can talk me out of it. I also feel alone and desperate and left behind when I am out of step with this connection. I have many times through out my life left Him and tried to do it on my own. I have been angry with Him and I have had times when I didn't understand why He took people away from me that I loved. I need them more than Him and this made me mad. So, I get that about grief.

And maybe that is why I get it. Because I have been there and cried and felt grief and loss and hopelessness and came out with the same spirit to shine and love others just because I feel that is what Jesus wants; for us to be like Him and love others and be supportive and be kind. That is being a good person. I will always feel sad about people that leave my life and I will always feel empathy for those that lose a loved one. I really think the key is to treat them as you always have. Make them feel loved and special and like your best friend because that is what they are, really, and the last thing any of us wants is to feel weird or different around people we love.

So here is to you, my friend. To those of you that have felt grief and suffered and felt lost. I am here for you, but I will probably say something weird in the process. I don't mean anything by it, I am just trying to love you.

.

I'm not that kind of mom

As we approach Mother's Day, I began reminiscing about the last 4 years. Before I became a parent, I really thought it was going to be all sunshine and roses. It would be hugs and kisses and lots of love and fun. We would go on play dates and I would make friends with other mommies and we could offer support and encouragement. I was going to be the world's greatest mom and have a mug to show it. Then I became exhausted and overwhelmed by being a mother. I also learned other moms are sometimes the worst judges and actually make you feel bad about parenting. So in reality, I am more like this mom....

So...what went wrong and why?

First, I learned to be tough. If I am not tough then they are not tough and setting boundaries is of utmost importance to me. My kids know they are not in charge and that there are consequences to their actions. Is that easy? No, It's hard. It's just about the hardest thing I have ever done. Why won't they just act right? Because they are kids and doing the wrong thing is ingrained in them from birth. It's our job as the parent to teach them that the world doesn't revolve around them and there is a difference between right and wrong. This is not a blog entry about spanking vs not spanking but I do spank my children. It's not because I am out of other options or frustrated, Dr. Phil. I do not spank them frequently and it's mostly because they have just done something dangerous or disrespectful. They have crossed the line from nice mom to crazy mom. Maybe they will be in therapy one day explaining how I spanked them and it ruined their lives but I had rather them be on a plush burgundy couch then in a cold prison cell. I take this part of my job very seriously and I will one day be mortified to learn they have disrespected a teacher or bullied another student and they will get 'worn out' should this ever occur. Some things are just unacceptable!

They have chores and responsibilities and if they don't complete those, they are punished. I expect my kids to do what is asked of them as early as the age of 2. Crazy wish, huh? But I do try and teach them to clean and take care of the items that have been purchased for them. They know if they break their favorite toy in a fit of anger one day, another one will not be purchased. Too bad, so sad. Again there are consequences to every action.

I expect a lot out of my kids because I believe if you have high standards they will meet those just as if you have low ones. I expect them to be their best and give their best everyday. And if that is being a tough mom, then I am glad I am a tough mom. Some days are challenging and some days I want to hop in my car, drive to Vegas and change my name to Candy Land.

My point is it's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to not have a sparkling clean house with all the laundry folded and color coded in everyone's drawer. I never have my laundry done, its a never ending task at my house and I hate it more than anything else on earth. What I am doing here is shaping and creating two people that will go out into the world and make it better or worse. When you stop to think about it you realize what a huge responsibly it truly is. I yell and I get fed up and I need a break, I'm human. And those other 'perfect' moms are lying. Talk to the real ones for just five minutes and they will break down in tears and tell you the truth about how hard it really is to keep it all together.

But at the end of a long week, I look at those sweet kids and the way Mattie will help her sister off the ground when she falls and the way Gigi will jump in and help Mattie clean her room and I smile and I know I'm not doing so bad of a job, although I still don't have a mug to show it!

Happy Mother's Day Moms, Keep on Keeping on!

The thin line between guilt and gratitude

Some days I wake up and look around and think, "wow, what a lucky girl I am." On these days I am grateful for all that I have. Even when I turn on the water to shower, I think about those that do not have clean running water and I often think, 'but for the grace of God, there go I.' These are the days I am grateful.

But I also have days of guilt. As I am thankful and grateful and more importantly aware, I also have a feeling of guilt. It's hard to be grateful without feeling guilty. I think the two go hand in hand. When I walk to the mailbox, I return to my home with new eyes as I make the trek up my driveway. I will think how lucky I am to have a heated and cooled home and people that love me and I feel completely guilty rather than grateful.

I have worked hard for everything I have. I was not a trust fund baby and no one died and left me money. My college education wasn't paid for and every month our student loan bill reminds me of this. I spent a lot of time studying and writing papers and doing without so that I could live the life I have today. But others haven't been fortunate enough to be stressed about a paper that is due in 3 hours, and this is where my guilt takes over and my gratitude gets left behind.

You see, I believe that you work hard for everything you have, there are no free rides and often my theory is "I did it and you have the same opportunity." But I am also a human being. I am an overly compassionate human being. And I understand something that most people on this planet will never learn or care to know. Everyone didn't start off in the same position of the race and I had a advantage from the beginning. I didn't grow up in an abusive home. I didn't witness drugs and violence and death and hate. Did I have a perfect childhood? Of course not. But I also didn't have the same one that some of the people in prison and people living on welfare and in the projects had. I had options and opportunities. I had hope.

So today, here I live as a 35 year old in a nice neighborhood. My kids will attend nice schools without gangs or violence and can even attend private school if I so choose. We have choices. We have options. We have better. But not everyone in America has that and this is where my guilt takes over. Why do my kids have so much when other's kids have so little. Is it because I love them more? No, it's not. It is because I have more. I started the race of life in a better position. I had better shoes and was closer to the front, I was able to run the race and finish because I was born into a situation that allowed me to do so. This is my grace.

So how do you balance the guilt? How do you enjoy all that you have without the constant voice in your head that says, "do something to pay me back for what I gave you." That voice, I believe is God. It's our mission on this earth to do things for other people, to make their lives better and if you can't do that then surely don't do anything to make their lives worse.

So I have embarked on a new journey in the hopes that I can share my gratitude with others. When we first moved the Greenwood I noticed an area of town that needed help. It's an area of run down homes and poverty. I drive through there often. Each time I would think to myself, "Why hasn't someone done something?" There are rows of dilapidated and broken houses, an area of hopelessness, that so many people drive through each day. Most are probably too busy switching their radio station or texting to notice, but I notice. My guilt tells me to look. So I look and I watch and I wave at people walking along the sidewalk that I don't personally know but that I do know need someone to care, to take the time to say, "you matter."

Then one day I had to take my girls to school early in the morning which I normally don't do. I drove down this street and saw kids standing on the sidewalks and sitting on porch steps waiting on their school bus and it occurred to me for the first time that children are living in these homes. These rentals with investors that just want the bottom line and their rent, are also home to children. These kids waved at me as I drove and they smiled. I no longer wondered, "Why hasn't anyone done something?" I began to think, "Why haven't I done something?"

I immediately went home and looked up the city of Greenwood's council members and eventually came across the city manager. I asked him to please let me know of any volunteer efforts in this area because I wanted to help. He responded back gratefully and sent me the contact info of the association for the neighborhood. I called and spoke to a lady named Beth. She was so excited that I cared and was interested and I feel it reunited her faith in humanity. She said they felt like the forgotten people. We have since began working together to improve this area. I have attended meetings and heard about their road blocks and the lack of love and support from those that have the power to change things. My hope is that I can speak to them and change their hearts but I will need lots of prayers and luck to do so. Beth and her team have been at this for years and to no avail. Some people only see the all mighty dollar in this life and can't fathom that they won't take it with them when they die. This has always and continues to amaze me about the human spirit, our lack of connection to one another.

We are currently organizing a fun walk to raise awareness and draw attention to this area. We hope to find people willing to give their money and time to make these homes safer for the families that live there. Everyone deserves to live in a pleasant and safe neighborhood even if they began the race behind others without proper footwear and at the back of the crowd. It's my way of saying, thank you for your grace and blessings, God, and I hope I make you proud.

We should all live our lives with a little but of gratitude and a little bit of guilt, it keeps us grounded and in check with the world. Change doesn't come about easily and it takes hard work but it's worth it when you can make a difference to someone else and be a blessing to their life. Because that is really why we are all here, to help each other. Be grateful for what you have and be a blessing to those that don't. We are all in this race together and the real winner will be those that served others not those that served themselves.

Happy 4th Birthday Mattie

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Life after wedding

I hear so many people talking about and posting about their weddings. What their colors will be and if they have made the best bridesmaid dress choice. They go back and forth on the flavor or filling for the cake and if their colors match the season. Sometimes I feel like getting married is a finish line for people in the game of life. "I'm married! YES!" Now all of my friends can envy me and help me pick out wallpaper. Not really.

You see, there is life, a lot of life after the wedding. This is one day, one moment that will soon be turned to pictures stored in the bottom drawer of a closet after you select 3 or 4 you love and frame those. You will one day wish you had the $3,000 back that you paid that photographer. At some point you will be bored and feeling nostalgic and you will pull those pictures out and sift through them trying to remember what an amazing day you shared and how you are just so happy you went with blue and not green.

This won't happen either. Here is what actually will happen.

You will look at the pictures and feel a pain in the pit of your stomach. You will wonder how you could've taken such a risk on one person and what in the world you were thinking. You see what you felt then, will be nothing compared to what you will feel later, after life happens.

You are married. For better or worse, in sickness and in health 'till death do you part. You should never go into a marriage with the scapegoat that you can always just divorce.

If this thought has even entered your mind, do not get married.

This is it. Forever and ever until someone dies. Scary thought, huh? Good, it should be! But how do you know if you are truly ready or if you are marrying the right person. I have been married for nearly 5 years and although that is just a drop in the bucket, I do know a lot more now then I did standing on that deck in Grand Cayman. And I also feel more love now for my husband then I did at the cake cutting...crazy! So here are 10 things that I know for sure.

1. Sow your wild oats! DO not get married because it's the next logical step, because you are afraid to be alone or because you have nothing better to do. Go find something better! Right now is the only time you will have in your life to be selfish and self centered and self absorbed without devastating someone else's life. This is it. You will never get to do this again. Make mistakes, spend some money, travel and have a lot of fun. This way when you DO decide to get married you will have no regrets. In fact you may think, "Thank God, I don't have to live that old life anymore." This is how you know you are making a good decision.
2. Live alone! This goes for both men and women. I have been very blessed in my life to encounter very smart and worldly women that have freely offered their advice. This was one of the best pieces I got. Spend 1 year or more living by yourself. Pay your own bills, be humbled and grateful and scared and cold. Do this! There may come a time again in your life when you are alone and you have to be able to handle that and be okay with it. I loved this time in my life. It taught me more about myself that I ever knew and I still to this day make decisions and base a lot of my self worth on what I learned while alone.
3. Choose someone that can pick you off the kitchen floor when all hope is gone. A very smart woman named Angela that I worked with years ago said to me," Think of the worst possible thing that could ever happen in your life. Now picture the person you are currently dating. Could they get you off the kitchen floor?" My response at the time was no and I knew I was dating someone I shouldn't marry. You will need a very mentally strong person to get you through life. In fact you might want to find someone that is stronger than you. I thought I had mental strength down until I met my husband. Life will throw a lot of things at you and you are always going to need your spouse's strength and courage.
4. Marry up! Be very honest with yourself about how you fit into society and the world. What are you bringing to the table in a relationship? Now, marry up. Find someone that is better than you in every category in which you are lacking. Bad with money? Find someone that knows how to save and have a 401k. You will want someone that can make up for all your weaknesses but you won't know what those are unless you have a real conversation with yourself and are very honest about your own faults.
5. Which brings me to my next point-You are not special. I know you want to be and I know your mom/dad has told you this forever. They are lying. You are just like all of us and you have faults. Bridgett Jones wants someone to love her 'just as she is.' But Bridgett Jones drives me nuts! She could probably make some changes and there are things about yourself you could also change. Disney and Bridgett and so many others have taught us that one day someone will run into us while buying milk, look into our eyes and love us just as we are, flaws and all. Nope. They won't. There are probably some things you could change that would make you a better partner for someone, work on those now and don't be offended if you are asked to work on those later if you meet someone that you think is worth it. There is nothing wrong with trying to better yourself!
6. You will always have to work at this. Just because you say 'I do" doesn't mean its always sunshine and roses. It's work and sometimes its exhausting but let me tell you that it is worth it! Your partner will do things that will make it easy for you to love them and want to spend time with them and they will do things that will make you want to throw a dish. That is just marriage. It doesn't mean you are getting divorced or that your marriage is in jeopardy, it just means you are keeping it real. And those Facebook posts of your friends that are constantly talking about how wonderful their spouse is, its a crock. You are not the only one they are trying to convince. It's hard and it takes work and if you don't have the guts, then stay away.
7. Find faith. This will be one of the most important parts of your life. We have been sitting in church on Sunday so mad at each other we could spit but then we will remember why we are together and who joined us and we can easily forgive. It helps, I promise!
8. Get a pet or have kids or both! But wait until you are sure this is the person you want to be with and you are sure you are both serious about your marriage. Having a pet and kids makes life really amazing. You get to both love something other than yourselves and each other. You will look back and laugh at the funny moments and you will truly see the character of your partner. Nothing brings out the best or worst in someone than a dog that just drug trash across your house while you were away getting a route canal or a 2 year old that has smeared lipstick on furniture. This is one of the best parts of life and you will be missing out if you don't do one or the other.
9. Have separate activities and friends. Be okay with your partner going out with friends. If you worry they will cheat, then you married the wrong person. Let them go and have fun and be silly and be the person they were when they were 22 when you didn't even know them yet. And you should do the same. Never forget about your friends once you get married. They will be one of the most important resources in your life and if you can find good ones, be good to them too so they will always be with you. Your best friends will always know you in a way that your spouse does not and that is very special.
10. Be good to each other. Remember this is their life too and its not always just about you. Take the time to discover what makes your partner happy. If its little notes in their lunches or calls while they are at work then try really hard to do those things. You don't have to do them everyday but once in a while it feels good to know you are being listened to and your feelings have meaning. This is the one person you chose to stand by you in life so make sure its fun and everyone is enjoying the ride.

After 5 years I still have much to learn but I do know that my life has been blessed and is much better simply by knowing my husband. He is much better at this 'life' thing then I am and I, well, let's face it, I'm much funnier! And by the way we didn't spend much money on our wedding, we spent it on a trip to Disneyworld afterwards. We threw our hands in the air, screamed and pretended we were still kids.

No Excuses!

I very seldom follow through with things I say I am going to do. "I will start running on Monday." "I will begin eating better." "I will try and cut out sugar," (yeah, right). I always find an excuse to NOT do what I said that I WOULD do. I think many of us are like this. It's very easy to say 'I can't do that today' when what we really should be saying is 'I won't do that today.' The word 'can't' is a contraction of can and not and although it means something in which you have no alternative, you actually do have an alternative and by definition this word makes no sense in the English language. You choose not to... you won't. Please don't say "I can't meet you for coffee today, I have a million things to do." Actually what you should be saying is " I won't meet you for coffee today, I have other things I would rather do."

Can't is a victim word.

We convince ourselves we can't because we don't have the faith or the will or the want to do. Excuses are a part of our fallen, sinful nature. Remember in Genesis when Adam was caught eating from the tree of knowledge? When God called him out on it he didn't say, "Sorry God, I was wrong and I should've had more faith." He said " The woman, whom you gave me ate and showed it to me." From day one men were blaming their wives for their problems. Just kidding! But from day one, we made excuses and we made up stories and lies as to why we have little faith and no trust.

The other day my husband and I were in the car and I mentioned that girl scout cookies had gone on sale and that I needed some. He then remarked, no you don't. You don't need cookies, you want them. There is a difference between a want and need. He is right you know, and we need to be carful about the rhetoric we use to describe what we can and won't do and what we need and what we want.

But I still need girl scout cookies.

I think in each of us lies a lot of self doubt. I am not good enough or smart enough for that promotion. I am not strong enough to face that situation. I am not willing to put my faith and trust in God and follow though with His plans for me. Shouldn't that statement be what we really need to say? The truth. " I don't trust you God, I know what is best for me."

No more excuses! Enough! Please focus on the victories of your past so that you may see the strengths of your present and the gifts of your future.

Too many times we focus on the mistakes of our past and that is what sets us in our 'excuse mode', our 'not good enough mode.'You are good enough and you are not deserving enough. Forget about the 'what ifs' of life and just take a chance. See what you are made of. See if you are strong enough or smart enough or good enough. You will never know until you try and remember those people that others call failures, well, they just haven't succeeded. Yet! You are never a failure if you try. You are a failure if you never try.

When I was 21 years old I had never been on a plane but was given an amazing opportunity. I had never been out of the south but for just a brief few days on vacation and I have never gone to a place alone to spend 8 weeks with people I had never met. I was terrified. I went back and forth for months about whether or not I was actually going to go. I had no faith in myself and very little faith in God's plan for my life. Imagine a 21 year old saying "God, you don't know what is best for my life."
So the night before I was to get on this plane and go, I confessed to my parents over dinner at Ruby Tuesday's that I was scared and that I didn't want to go. I was too young, too afraid, too alone. Excuses. I was hoping they would say "It's okay. You can just come back home with us tomorrow." But they didn't. Instead my dad slid his hand across the table then pulled it back revealing his wings pendant he had received for flying helicopters in Vietnam. "You can do anything you want." These words he spoke to me still ring in my ears today. I needed him to tell me this. I needed to hear these words so they may vanquish all my excuses. And they did. I knew how much this pendant meant to my dad and I knew that one day I would regret not trying. So the next morning, with tears in my eyes, I got on the plane and I flew to New Hampshire where I would spend 7 more summers working with kids, meeting people from all over the world and changing my life. God knew...I did not.

I need to make a point to try and be careful with my language these days. I have two little ones whose ears are always listening and I don't' want to raise 'can't dos.' I want to raise 'will do and can do' kids. I want them to know the difference between a want and need, a can and a won't. But I need to learn this first.
So after much thought and reflection I decided that faith and positive rhetoric starts today. I can and will. I need not want. But I also remember that all of this began with the fall of man and the invention of excuses. So, Adam, if Eve convinced you to eat and it was all her fault, then Honey, I don't need girl scout cookies. I want girl scout cookies so that I won't need to kill you later. My rhetoric is getting better already!

They were crazy about each other

I think I am the youngest person in my neighborhood. And I don't mean I might be the youngest by 1 or 2 years. I am younger by 20 or 30 years.

I love that. When we have social events, I am much younger than everyone in attendance. My neighbors discuss how many miles they have walked this week and who makes the most comfortable shoes. They share old war stories, like from WWII, and laugh about how they tried Facebook for a while. These people are hilarious. They aren't trying to impress you or win you over or make you envious. It is a whole different world here.

I live in a retirement community, now that isn't to say that there are not young people here like us, there are. They are just as smart as we were to buy property in this neighborhood. People take care of their yards and walk their pets. They want to know which tree you are cutting down and why. They are involved and loving and interesting. Most of them have moved to the south after retiring from up north but have learned the rules quickly. They share love by placing toys in my mailbox for my children and pick up my mailbox sign after a storm. They drop by pound cake and a smile. I have met the sweetest and most sincere people of my life by simply living in this neighborhood.

When I see them and we swap stories, I tend to tell the stories my father or grandmother told me. This is what I have in common with them. We talk about Vietnam and presidents, travel and wine. I have more in common with them than I thought. I have to admit that when I bought a house here I was not sure if I would ever feel like I had anything in common with someone in their 60s.But we have more in common then I ever thought and I no longer have to revert back to my childhood days or parental war stories just to have something to discuss.

Most recently we met a couple that is in their 80s. He still swims the width of the lake when the weather is warm. She is from Germany and he is from Italy. He liked her for so long and she wouldn't give him the time of day. This went on for years until she finally said yes to a date and now they have been marred for over 60 years. I asked him what the secret was to a happy marriage and he responded 'fight.'. "Fight everyday if you have to, but never give up."

Of course this brought me immediately back to my 'Notebook" days of," I'm not afraid to tell you what a pain in the ass you are." One of the best love story lines of all time and after 5 years of marriage, I believe this to be true. I am not afraid to tell my husband when he isn't making me happy or when he is being rude. And he isn't afraid to tell me when I am being a jerk. Does this mean I want a divorce? No, absolutely not. There is nothing wrong with expressing your unhappiness with someone. Most of the time they don't even know you are sad or disappointed or upset. Men and women are programmed very differently and it takes a long time to be okay with that, but be okay with it. Open your mouth and say what needs to be said. It's so amazing that we have the ability to express ourselves to strangers but freeze at expressing our feelings to our spouse. As women, we just think they should know why we are being quiet or giving the cold shoulder, but they don't always know. So, fight. Fight for them and for you and for your kids (if you have any).

Fight and fight and fight! If you don't fight, someone else will.

Life is too short and too fragile to be so vain as to think there is a tomorrow and another chance. There may not be. Today is the day to make your voice heard, to vocally state what you want and to fight. You can't wonder 'what if'. That is a prison that I wish upon no one. It will hold you captive and your voice will never be heard again. You will become a 'what if' in this world of cynicism and skepticism and you will be another member of the what ifs club.

I think its important to learn from those that came before us, to ask questions and seek answers. They have been there and they understand love and loss and life. Sometimes we think we know which way to best direct our lives and that we have all the answers.

We don't. You don't and I don't. And to be honest they probably don't either.

We just make decisions based on the information we have available at the time. And learning how to see beyond the horizon, well that takes time and years and wisdom. So, do the best you can with what you know. Fight and be fought for. Make sure you never ever say "What if." One day you will be telling how you survived 60+ years of marriage to young folks and you will be wearing these shoes as you tell your story. I know this because these are mine and I stole this look from my neighbors . I just wanted to fit in.

You never grow up, you just grow older

" All our lives, we rework the things from our childhood, like feeling good about ourselves, managing our angry feelings, being able to say good-bye to people we love. - Fred Rogers

You never grow up. You are not 30 or 40 today, you are 1 and 2 and 3 and so on. You are all the years that you have lived and survived on this earth. All of that makes you 30 or 40 today. And with that you carry all of those years and disappointments and joys and strengths and struggles. You are every age your ever were... today.

For me, the biggest part of life that challenges us is death. It's so final and absolute. There is nothing we as humans can do to change the facts that remain. It has happened and now we must process, acknowledge and move on. But we never really move on. We form a new normal. And this never, ever gets any easier.

My grandmother has been gone for 10 years this past January. 10 years, come and gone and I still have a pain in my soul. I still yearn for her presence and smile. I still drive by her and my grandfather's old house when I am visiting my family in Tennessee. I still can't move on. I have just learned how to survive without being able to speak to her.

I remember exactly where I was when my father called and told me. He asked if I was alone or if I had a friend with me. I had friends nearby I said, "What is wrong?" He told me she had passed and I dropped the phone. I fell to my knees and I wept. I had planned on calling her that afternoon, just a few hours from now. I wanted to check in and see how she was doing. I was too late. The days that followed were a blur. Lots of friends and family members your haven't seen in years all telling you how very sorry they are. But the entire time you feel like they don't know your pain and can't comprehend what you are going through. They mean well and you are glad they attended but it gives no solace to the enormous gap you now have in your soul and everyone can see it, you know they can.

My grandmother was ready to go once my grandfather died. In one of the last conversations I had with her she mentioned how much she missed him and was ready to go any day. This made me cry which made her upset and made me feel guilty. She had every right to want to leave this world to spend eternity with my grandfather and I had no right to try and convince her otherwise and keep her here with me. At his funeral I was standing with her when the preacher asked what she would miss most about him and she replied, "helping him tie his shoes." My grandfather had a stroke years back and needed help with daily tasks and she had unselfishly taken on this responsibility, no questions asked. I can't say the same would be true for my generation.

I miss her everyday and the pain is just as real as it was 10 years ago. You just find a new normal. I still talk to her often and share her recipes with others. I have her blue willow china in my garage that has been waiting for a home. You hold on to all the things and memories that make that person special and you wonder if they could see you today, would they be proud.

For those of you that know me personally, everything you like about me and everything that makes me a good person, I got that from my grandmother. She read bible verses to me and cooked me chicken and dumplings. She tucked me in at night when I was visiting and always asked what she could do for me. It was never about her. I wish I had spent more time with her when she was here. I wish I had spent every day that she was on this earth, speaking to her. Even if I had just called to say hello and ask her how her day was going. Today, I see families, and couples, moms and daughters at restaurants on their phones. I want to walk over to them and scream, "get off your phone, you are missing precious time!" But I know it will fall on deaf ears.

We never miss anything until it is gone. I hate this about life.

What I do know is that a day does not go by that I don't think of her and miss her. But I have a great relief in knowing that she knew how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. I told her all the time. Even the day my father called to tell me she was gone, my first response was, " she knew how much I loved her, at least." This upcoming Valentines day is their 72nd wedding anniversary and I always think what a sweet date she picked for a wedding.

Each day, everyday look around you. What do you love about your life? Who do you love? Tell them without hesitation. You are all the years of your life and you are all the people you have loved, you never grow up but we are always growing older and none of this is permanent.

I leave you with this picture. I bought these glasses as a joke when I was in college. I asked her to put them on just for a laugh, then snapped a picture. She was so mad at me and even more mad when I threatened to put it in the paper for her birthday, this was our relationship.

I think I left the spoon in the womb

Actually I didn't leave it, it never existed. The majority of us probably weren't born with a sliver spoon in our mouths but I often get the feeling that people make this judgment about others simply because they do not know the journey. When you see someone that has more than you, its easy to assume they have always lived that way. You become jealous or perhaps resentful of this new person that was just added to you life. You feel less than and intimidated. Don't worry, they are just as intimidated by you. I am tired of people putting on masks for others and I think the world would be a much nicer and less hostile place if we all just became really honest about our journey.

"I haven't always been this way." This is my favorite line from What's eating Gilbert Grape. There is so much truth to that one statement. Too often I think young people get the notion that once they receive a college or even high school diploma that the job offers and money will begin rolling in.

There seems to be some sort of disconnect between where we are and where we are going.

This is a journey and its long and its hard and its full of disappointments and sadness, but its also full of humility and joy and resolutions. I did not wake up one day married to a wonderful man that makes a nice salary. I haven't always lived in a large home or had extra money to buy clothes for an event or shoes just because I thought they were cute. What you see is the result of many, many..um, many years of struggle.

I grew up in a small town with parents that had very little knowledge of the importance of education beyond high school. This is not their fault of course, and I am one of many that had this type of upbringing. You see in my parents day, college was meant for rich kids.

If your parents had money, you went to college. If you parents didn't have money, you went to work.

My parents didn't have money and I think they prepared me for the work force which I am grateful for today. My father has an amazing work ethic and I was raised on beliefs that you 'do' because its what you should do. There are no "free rides" and "no one owes you anything."
I'm glad they raised me this way. It has come in handy throughout life and you can't buy a good work ethic. I'm also glad I was raised in a small town and I watched over and over people struggle with paying their bills, living in fear of lay offs and saving their hard earned money so they could take their family to the beach once a year. It was a simple and honest community and I am thankful for my exposure to it.But it was a life I never wanted to live. I saw other people leave and never come back. I wanted that. I didn't know what to do, I just knew I wanted it.

One day during my senior year my counselor invited me into her office to discuss my future plans. I am sure this was apart of her job and she just needed to write something in my file. 'Met with Alison Caldwell, she wants to attend a 2 year tech school to study business.' "So Alison, What would you like to do after high school?" Please keep in mind that this was one of the first and only times I was ever asked this question. I responded to her kind, 'hurry up there are a lot of kids waiting' smile with " Whatever I can do to get out." Her smile quickly faded and she said, "Then you need to go off to college somewhere." It was at this point I realized those days of goofing off in class and not paying attention really were going to come back and haunt me. I didn't have the grades I needed to go off to school. This lady was clearly nuts. As I began to sob, she stopped me and said, "Wait, you can go to 2 year school, make good grades then transfer." HOPE.

I went to community college for 2 years, made all A's and B's, applied to The University of Tennessee and was accepted. I was ecstatic!
Then I realized through a letter from the university about 6 months in that you actually had to attend class and study. This was news to me and I was not happy. I thought college was like all those movies I saw growing up. I mean I think I was partying enough and meeting all the right people so why wasn't this working out for me? Well as it turns out, this was different from high school and JCC.
They actually wanted me to earn this degree.
So, it was time to get serious. I knew that if I didn't get my act together then all of this would've been a waste. All my hard work up to this point, all the sacrifices and tears and joys and pains, all for nothing. I couldn't fail. I actually remember what I was wearing and where I was sitting the day I decided failure wasn't an option and that I would do whatever it took to graduate from The University of Tennessee.
This is where the real struggle began. In order for me to fully immerse myself into school, I had to change everything I loved about it(parties). I moved into a (frightfully, scary) apartment BY MYSELF. I planned study hours and tutoring sessions into my schedule. And I said "No" to friends...a lot. My only regret really was that I didn't do this earlier.

And in May of 2003,I became the first person in my family to earn a college degree. This is still my proudest moment.

So today, as you see me now, here is what I want you to know about that time in my life. I had days where I had to choose between eating and paying a bill. I had nights where there were so many blankets on my bed and so much snow on the ground and I was still cold because I didn't have the money to turn on my heat. I smiled through the phone as my parents asked what they could do to help. "Nothing." I would reply. They had already done too much. I have washed clothes at laundry mats with my cell phone in my hand pre-dialed to call 911 because there were some serious creepers hanging around 17th street in Knoxville. I put groceries on credit cards that I knew I would never be able to pay off. I lived on Fritos and water. I was humbled, humiliated and thankful. I prayed, a lot. I've had a great life. Today, I have all I could want and more and I have been extremely blessed. But it has not always been this way.

Don't judge people based on where they are today.

Imagine if someone did that to you when you were at your lowest and then they never forgot or forgave you for just being at a place along your journey and not where they think you should be. We could all use a little extra helping of grace with a dash of humility. Please don't look at me today and think I have always been this way. I haven't. But I am so very thankful for the journey and events that brought me to this place and I wouldn't trade that for anything, not even a silver spoon.

A letter to my daughters

I recently, through a childhood friend of my husband's, witnessed the miraculous silver lining to being able to say what you need to those you love before you leave this world. Although terminal illness is a terrible tragedy to live through for both the ill and the family and friends, I see a window of great opportunity some of us will never have. They get to say I love you, you changed my life and good-bye.

In case you have yet to figure this out, none of us are promised a tomorrow. I pray and wish and hope I am here to see my daughter's graduate high school. I already picture them in their wedding gowns and the smile on my husband's face as he fights back tears to say, "her mother and I." I imagine I will be there but I have seen a lot of good people leave this world all too soon and I understand God's plans are not always my plans.

So I felt it necessary to sit down and say what needs to be said. I love them too much to leave them without words and advice and of course my opinions. But with God's grace this will be something we will all laugh about one day. Together.
Dear Mattie and Gigi, When I first saw you in the hospital room after hours of labor and 9 months of diabetes, I felt as thought my heart would burst with love. I couldn't control my emotions and I knew I would never have a better moment for the rest of my life. I spent the first few days after you came home wondering what I had done that was so special. I couldn't understand why God picked me to be your mom but I no longer doubted his existence or his plan for my life. Then exhaustion set in. I actually asked the Dr., after you were born Mattie, if I could contract a disease based on lack of sleep. She laughed. I was serious. I had spent years in college working on term papers after 2 hours of rest then faced days of long classes and daycare hours to pay the bills. That was easy. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. Your dad and I decided that we would be ok if I took a break from teaching to spend time with you both and give you the best start. Your earliest days were filled with grocery store and CVS trips simply because I needed to get out of the house. When we were home, you slept a lot during the day and woke up a lot during the night. I fed you, changed you and rocked you to lullabies. You were so sweet and warm and I wondered again why God had blessed me. I decided that from that point on forever and ever I would give back to everyone that needed anything. I would try my best to be the most caring, loving and giving person to others to pay God back for what he did for me. After almost 4 years of motherhood and trying my best to be a better person, I am still in debt.

I want you to know just a few things. First, to Mattie- You are one of the best people I have ever met in my life. You love unconditionally. You always think of others before yourself and you do this without any judgments. I have seen Gigi bite you then cry because she hurt a tooth and you will console her because she is in pain. My hope is that you will always be this way. My fear is that the world will change and harden you and you will lose this special gift. Please hang on to this. People will see this as a weakness, for a while but don't let them change you. You have a sweet and caring soul and as you grow and others grow this trait will be valued and appreciated by everyone. People will seek you out as a friend, spouse and co-worker because you can be trusted and you are genuine. Choose love anyway. Every time. I can't wait to see how much help you give the world.
Gigi- You are 100% or 0. Minutes before you entered the world, I was lying in the hospital bed and the clock on the wall began spinning rapidly backwards. This makes total sense to me now. Your energy level is fun and contagious. I do not worry about you. You will always be able to take care of yourself and those around you. Always use this ability for good. Anytime you see a class mate that is being treated poorly or is upset, I will depend on you to be the person to take up for them, to set everyone straight and if needed to be the hero. I have no doubt that you can fill those shoes. God gave you a very special gift of strength with a knowledge of right and wrong. Many people will need you to be there for them, to be their voice when they cannot speak and to fight for what is right. You will do this because it's who you are. I can't wait to see the good you do in this world.

But I am a tough mom. I am no push over and you have both begun to realize that. I do not apologize for this and I want you to know why. It's my job to prepare you for life. It's not your job to make me feel happy or whole or complete. I already got those things from my life before you were born. Many times it does hurt me to see you sad or not get something you feel you need but I am preparing you for disappointment and reality. You will not always get your way. Everyone you meet will not think you are the most special person they have ever met. You have to be able to handle all of that and more and that is what I am teaching you. I don't give you what you want, I will never 'buy' your love or purchase things out of guilt. I refuse to have spoiled, entitled children but more importantly I refuse to cripple your future with false hopes and false things that will never bring you true joy. You will be glad I did this when you are an adult
Currently, my favorite part of motherhood is when you ask me to lay with you. When you need a 'snuggle bunny.' I know these days won't last forever and I cherish those moments with you. You think I am sleeping because I close my eyes so that you will sleep. Then once I know you have drifted off, I will touch your soft hand and think how small your fingers are in mine. I will brush your hair away from your face and wonder what you are thinking of. In these moments, life is perfect. I close my eyes and pray for God to continue to give me more time to be your mom and sometimes I ask him to please let you stop growing and changing so rapidly. If I could freeze time, I would freeze today.

So that's it. That is what I need you to know. Meeting your dad, getting married, then being the mom to both of you is the best part of my life. Today is my best day.
"Those who don't believe in magic will never find it"
We have a pair of swallows that have built their nest in exactly the same place on a wooden beam in the tool shed for the past six years, and it's amazing to me how they fly off thousands of miles to North Africa in the Autumn with their young and then six months later find their way back to the same tool shed at Gipsy house, Great Missended, Bucks It's a miracle and the brainiest ornithologists in the world still cannot explain how they do it. From My Year by Roald Dahl

Fill 'er up!

Remember when people pulled into gas stations and there was an attendant anxiously awaiting the arrival. He would greet the driver with a smile and check the fluids under the hood. The driver would roll down his window and shout, "Fill 'er up, please!" The attendant smiled and began filling the tank. The driver could then be on their way, full and ready to take on the world again.

Much like the 'good 'ol days' of gas stations attendants, we as people need to be filled up. As the new year came and went, I read many resolutions about getting in shape, trying to eat better, cut out sugar, etc. But never do you read about people wanting to fill up their emotional energy. In order to feel complete and whole, humans need their mental, physical and emotional needs met.

We want to get into better shape so we can look better in our jeans. We want to eat better so our skin glows and we can have more energy to do the activities we enjoy.
But what about when your emotional or spiritual energy gets low. There doesn't seem to be a place where we can pull in and refill. Or is there?

Many of us don't realize what an important part of life our emotional well being is or if we are even running on empty. Wouldn't it be great if you were equipped with a bright orange light or perhaps a beeping sound that alerts you when you need to get filled back up? Well, you were. It's that lacking in your soul. It's that need to go out and consume, to be materialistic, to judge others without so much as a twitch. And we have all been guilty of that. At some point we have all ran a little low. That is your bright orange light that you are empty. That is your beeping sound.

I once wrote an email to my husband at work. I was feeling particular nostalgic that morning and wrote to him about how happy I was and what a wonderful life we had built together. I don't say these things as often as I need to, but when the sentiment hits, I act upon it. He responded with his appreciation and stated that I had "given him the energy he needed to get through his tumultuous day." This made me think. Energy? How did my words fill him with the energy he needed? And why did his response to me make me feel so full?

It's simple. It's love. The giving and receiving of kind words. By expressing my thoughts to him, I shared and showed love and that filled him up emotionally. Now, If I could just erase his guilt of spending time at the gym and I could learn to stop cooking with cream of chicken soup, he would be back on the highway doing 80!

I have found that many things fill me up these days. For one, attending church each Sunday. I am reminded of the things that are important in life and am humbled that I don't have it figured out and could always be doing better. When I pick my children up at preschool each day and their faces light up as they rush to me, this fills me up. When I do nice things for others, acts of kindness, this fills me up. Without these things in my life, I would never completely feel full. Without these things, the exchange of love would never be present.
Every now and again I feel my fluids getting low and I have learned to understand that to get love you must ask for it.How many times have you been on the side of the highway and a gas station attendant shows up with a gas can?

Pull into the gas station and ask the attendant for what you need.

Sometimes the attendant is your spouse, a friend or even perhaps God. Ask and you shall receive. None of us deserves to be running on empty, but in order for your tank to be filled back up, you first must acknowledge the bright orange light and ask the attendant for what you need. And if he doesn't hear you the first time, there is nothing wrong with shouting, "Fill 'er up, please!"

I once hit a Opossum, once

First, I am not sure if it is "an" opossum or "a" opossum. I teach English and should know these things but I am more obsessed with there, their and they're. But that is not the point. I hit a Opossum once. I was in high school on the way to meet some friends. It was a Friday night, in the early Spring I think and I was driving down a side street in my small town in Tennessee. The thing ran right under my wheel, I swear! There was nothing I could do to prevent it. At least that is what I have spent the last 18 or so years telling myself. That is a long time to dwell on the death of a opossum. But it wasn't so much about the death that bothered me. I was more upset about the babies that were now without their mom or the mom that was back in the burrow waiting on the dad to bring home food (too many Disney movies). It was more of a mourning of the impact my carelessness had on the life, or demise of the opossum. This was solely my fault.

Which brings me to my point, parenting.

I know, the death of a opossum and raising children couldn't possibly have anything in common, but you are wrong. I have 2 children, a wonderful, supportive husband and I live a middle class comfy life. I don't do without and honestly besides the occasional vacation to the Caribbean there is not much else I want. But I do want my kids to be the best people they can be. I want them to thrive and change lives and be happy. And that puts a world of responsibility on my shoulders. It's there, I know it, because they hurt all the time. I'm a tough parent. I will admit that. My girls don't get away with much and sometimes I worry they fear me more than respect me. The thought of them looking up at me with tear soaked eyes waiting for my reaction to a mistake they have made as I try to calmly and rationally put my words together when all I can think about is my juice stained couch, scares me to death. My actions or lack there of in this moment could impact the rest of their lives. I imagine them on their future therapist's couch speaking of time outs and ipad restrictions. The ramifications of this one event could impact their lives forever.

This is all my fault!

No, actually it's not. Just like how I chose to go out with friends that night and I chose to take that side street. But I had no idea that opossum was planning a suicide mission. You can't predict the future.

My husband and I both constantly worry if we are making the correct decisions. If we are raising our kids so they can be the best people they can be. And honesty, I don't know. But what I do know is that we have a background of life experiences, solid educations, and a strong love for our children with a willing desire to see them succeed that is unmatched to anything. Even college was easier then parenting and that took me 7 years to accomplish!

I often find myself talking to other young moms that feel that every decision they make, every word they speak, every slice of processed frozen pizza they shove into their child's mouth will have a profound effect on the outcome. And all I can say is this, Do the best you can. Don't make too many careless mistakes. Take the main highway sometimes even though the side street has a pretty view and less traffic. None of us know if what we are doing is correct, we are just doing the best we can with what we know.

Take it all day by day, breathe and remember opossums have a wild streak and a penchant for curiosity. All of them!