In case you have yet to figure this out, none of us are promised a tomorrow. I pray and wish and hope I am here to see my daughter's graduate high school. I already picture them in their wedding gowns and the smile on my husband's face as he fights back tears to say, "her mother and I." I imagine I will be there but I have seen a lot of good people leave this world all too soon and I understand God's plans are not always my plans.
So I felt it necessary to sit down and say what needs to be said. I love them too much to leave them without words and advice and of course my opinions. But with God's grace this will be something we will all laugh about one day. Together.
Dear Mattie and Gigi, When I first saw you in the hospital room after hours of labor and 9 months of diabetes, I felt as thought my heart would burst with love. I couldn't control my emotions and I knew I would never have a better moment for the rest of my life. I spent the first few days after you came home wondering what I had done that was so special. I couldn't understand why God picked me to be your mom but I no longer doubted his existence or his plan for my life. Then exhaustion set in. I actually asked the Dr., after you were born Mattie, if I could contract a disease based on lack of sleep. She laughed. I was serious. I had spent years in college working on term papers after 2 hours of rest then faced days of long classes and daycare hours to pay the bills. That was easy. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. Your dad and I decided that we would be ok if I took a break from teaching to spend time with you both and give you the best start. Your earliest days were filled with grocery store and CVS trips simply because I needed to get out of the house. When we were home, you slept a lot during the day and woke up a lot during the night. I fed you, changed you and rocked you to lullabies. You were so sweet and warm and I wondered again why God had blessed me. I decided that from that point on forever and ever I would give back to everyone that needed anything. I would try my best to be the most caring, loving and giving person to others to pay God back for what he did for me. After almost 4 years of motherhood and trying my best to be a better person, I am still in debt.
I want you to know just a few things. First, to Mattie- You are one of the best people I have ever met in my life. You love unconditionally. You always think of others before yourself and you do this without any judgments. I have seen Gigi bite you then cry because she hurt a tooth and you will console her because she is in pain. My hope is that you will always be this way. My fear is that the world will change and harden you and you will lose this special gift. Please hang on to this. People will see this as a weakness, for a while but don't let them change you. You have a sweet and caring soul and as you grow and others grow this trait will be valued and appreciated by everyone. People will seek you out as a friend, spouse and co-worker because you can be trusted and you are genuine. Choose love anyway. Every time. I can't wait to see how much help you give the world.
Gigi- You are 100% or 0. Minutes before you entered the world, I was lying in the hospital bed and the clock on the wall began spinning rapidly backwards. This makes total sense to me now. Your energy level is fun and contagious. I do not worry about you. You will always be able to take care of yourself and those around you. Always use this ability for good. Anytime you see a class mate that is being treated poorly or is upset, I will depend on you to be the person to take up for them, to set everyone straight and if needed to be the hero. I have no doubt that you can fill those shoes. God gave you a very special gift of strength with a knowledge of right and wrong. Many people will need you to be there for them, to be their voice when they cannot speak and to fight for what is right. You will do this because it's who you are. I can't wait to see the good you do in this world.
But I am a tough mom. I am no push over and you have both begun to realize that. I do not apologize for this and I want you to know why. It's my job to prepare you for life. It's not your job to make me feel happy or whole or complete. I already got those things from my life before you were born. Many times it does hurt me to see you sad or not get something you feel you need but I am preparing you for disappointment and reality. You will not always get your way. Everyone you meet will not think you are the most special person they have ever met. You have to be able to handle all of that and more and that is what I am teaching you. I don't give you what you want, I will never 'buy' your love or purchase things out of guilt. I refuse to have spoiled, entitled children but more importantly I refuse to cripple your future with false hopes and false things that will never bring you true joy. You will be glad I did this when you are an adult
Currently, my favorite part of motherhood is when you ask me to lay with you. When you need a 'snuggle bunny.' I know these days won't last forever and I cherish those moments with you. You think I am sleeping because I close my eyes so that you will sleep. Then once I know you have drifted off, I will touch your soft hand and think how small your fingers are in mine. I will brush your hair away from your face and wonder what you are thinking of. In these moments, life is perfect. I close my eyes and pray for God to continue to give me more time to be your mom and sometimes I ask him to please let you stop growing and changing so rapidly. If I could freeze time, I would freeze today.
So that's it. That is what I need you to know. Meeting your dad, getting married, then being the mom to both of you is the best part of my life. Today is my best day.
"Those who don't believe in magic will never find it"
We have a pair of swallows that have built their nest in exactly the same place on a wooden beam in the tool shed for the past six years, and it's amazing to me how they fly off thousands of miles to North Africa in the Autumn with their young and then six months later find their way back to the same tool shed at Gipsy house, Great Missended, Bucks It's a miracle and the brainiest ornithologists in the world still cannot explain how they do it. From My Year by Roald Dahl
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