I think I left the spoon in the womb

Actually I didn't leave it, it never existed. The majority of us probably weren't born with a sliver spoon in our mouths but I often get the feeling that people make this judgment about others simply because they do not know the journey. When you see someone that has more than you, its easy to assume they have always lived that way. You become jealous or perhaps resentful of this new person that was just added to you life. You feel less than and intimidated. Don't worry, they are just as intimidated by you. I am tired of people putting on masks for others and I think the world would be a much nicer and less hostile place if we all just became really honest about our journey.

"I haven't always been this way." This is my favorite line from What's eating Gilbert Grape. There is so much truth to that one statement. Too often I think young people get the notion that once they receive a college or even high school diploma that the job offers and money will begin rolling in.

There seems to be some sort of disconnect between where we are and where we are going.

This is a journey and its long and its hard and its full of disappointments and sadness, but its also full of humility and joy and resolutions. I did not wake up one day married to a wonderful man that makes a nice salary. I haven't always lived in a large home or had extra money to buy clothes for an event or shoes just because I thought they were cute. What you see is the result of many, many..um, many years of struggle.

I grew up in a small town with parents that had very little knowledge of the importance of education beyond high school. This is not their fault of course, and I am one of many that had this type of upbringing. You see in my parents day, college was meant for rich kids.

If your parents had money, you went to college. If you parents didn't have money, you went to work.

My parents didn't have money and I think they prepared me for the work force which I am grateful for today. My father has an amazing work ethic and I was raised on beliefs that you 'do' because its what you should do. There are no "free rides" and "no one owes you anything."
I'm glad they raised me this way. It has come in handy throughout life and you can't buy a good work ethic. I'm also glad I was raised in a small town and I watched over and over people struggle with paying their bills, living in fear of lay offs and saving their hard earned money so they could take their family to the beach once a year. It was a simple and honest community and I am thankful for my exposure to it.But it was a life I never wanted to live. I saw other people leave and never come back. I wanted that. I didn't know what to do, I just knew I wanted it.

One day during my senior year my counselor invited me into her office to discuss my future plans. I am sure this was apart of her job and she just needed to write something in my file. 'Met with Alison Caldwell, she wants to attend a 2 year tech school to study business.' "So Alison, What would you like to do after high school?" Please keep in mind that this was one of the first and only times I was ever asked this question. I responded to her kind, 'hurry up there are a lot of kids waiting' smile with " Whatever I can do to get out." Her smile quickly faded and she said, "Then you need to go off to college somewhere." It was at this point I realized those days of goofing off in class and not paying attention really were going to come back and haunt me. I didn't have the grades I needed to go off to school. This lady was clearly nuts. As I began to sob, she stopped me and said, "Wait, you can go to 2 year school, make good grades then transfer." HOPE.

I went to community college for 2 years, made all A's and B's, applied to The University of Tennessee and was accepted. I was ecstatic!
Then I realized through a letter from the university about 6 months in that you actually had to attend class and study. This was news to me and I was not happy. I thought college was like all those movies I saw growing up. I mean I think I was partying enough and meeting all the right people so why wasn't this working out for me? Well as it turns out, this was different from high school and JCC.
They actually wanted me to earn this degree.
So, it was time to get serious. I knew that if I didn't get my act together then all of this would've been a waste. All my hard work up to this point, all the sacrifices and tears and joys and pains, all for nothing. I couldn't fail. I actually remember what I was wearing and where I was sitting the day I decided failure wasn't an option and that I would do whatever it took to graduate from The University of Tennessee.
This is where the real struggle began. In order for me to fully immerse myself into school, I had to change everything I loved about it(parties). I moved into a (frightfully, scary) apartment BY MYSELF. I planned study hours and tutoring sessions into my schedule. And I said "No" to friends...a lot. My only regret really was that I didn't do this earlier.

And in May of 2003,I became the first person in my family to earn a college degree. This is still my proudest moment.

So today, as you see me now, here is what I want you to know about that time in my life. I had days where I had to choose between eating and paying a bill. I had nights where there were so many blankets on my bed and so much snow on the ground and I was still cold because I didn't have the money to turn on my heat. I smiled through the phone as my parents asked what they could do to help. "Nothing." I would reply. They had already done too much. I have washed clothes at laundry mats with my cell phone in my hand pre-dialed to call 911 because there were some serious creepers hanging around 17th street in Knoxville. I put groceries on credit cards that I knew I would never be able to pay off. I lived on Fritos and water. I was humbled, humiliated and thankful. I prayed, a lot. I've had a great life. Today, I have all I could want and more and I have been extremely blessed. But it has not always been this way.

Don't judge people based on where they are today.

Imagine if someone did that to you when you were at your lowest and then they never forgot or forgave you for just being at a place along your journey and not where they think you should be. We could all use a little extra helping of grace with a dash of humility. Please don't look at me today and think I have always been this way. I haven't. But I am so very thankful for the journey and events that brought me to this place and I wouldn't trade that for anything, not even a silver spoon.