You never grow up, you just grow older

" All our lives, we rework the things from our childhood, like feeling good about ourselves, managing our angry feelings, being able to say good-bye to people we love. - Fred Rogers

You never grow up. You are not 30 or 40 today, you are 1 and 2 and 3 and so on. You are all the years that you have lived and survived on this earth. All of that makes you 30 or 40 today. And with that you carry all of those years and disappointments and joys and strengths and struggles. You are every age your ever were... today.

For me, the biggest part of life that challenges us is death. It's so final and absolute. There is nothing we as humans can do to change the facts that remain. It has happened and now we must process, acknowledge and move on. But we never really move on. We form a new normal. And this never, ever gets any easier.

My grandmother has been gone for 10 years this past January. 10 years, come and gone and I still have a pain in my soul. I still yearn for her presence and smile. I still drive by her and my grandfather's old house when I am visiting my family in Tennessee. I still can't move on. I have just learned how to survive without being able to speak to her.

I remember exactly where I was when my father called and told me. He asked if I was alone or if I had a friend with me. I had friends nearby I said, "What is wrong?" He told me she had passed and I dropped the phone. I fell to my knees and I wept. I had planned on calling her that afternoon, just a few hours from now. I wanted to check in and see how she was doing. I was too late. The days that followed were a blur. Lots of friends and family members your haven't seen in years all telling you how very sorry they are. But the entire time you feel like they don't know your pain and can't comprehend what you are going through. They mean well and you are glad they attended but it gives no solace to the enormous gap you now have in your soul and everyone can see it, you know they can.

My grandmother was ready to go once my grandfather died. In one of the last conversations I had with her she mentioned how much she missed him and was ready to go any day. This made me cry which made her upset and made me feel guilty. She had every right to want to leave this world to spend eternity with my grandfather and I had no right to try and convince her otherwise and keep her here with me. At his funeral I was standing with her when the preacher asked what she would miss most about him and she replied, "helping him tie his shoes." My grandfather had a stroke years back and needed help with daily tasks and she had unselfishly taken on this responsibility, no questions asked. I can't say the same would be true for my generation.

I miss her everyday and the pain is just as real as it was 10 years ago. You just find a new normal. I still talk to her often and share her recipes with others. I have her blue willow china in my garage that has been waiting for a home. You hold on to all the things and memories that make that person special and you wonder if they could see you today, would they be proud.

For those of you that know me personally, everything you like about me and everything that makes me a good person, I got that from my grandmother. She read bible verses to me and cooked me chicken and dumplings. She tucked me in at night when I was visiting and always asked what she could do for me. It was never about her. I wish I had spent more time with her when she was here. I wish I had spent every day that she was on this earth, speaking to her. Even if I had just called to say hello and ask her how her day was going. Today, I see families, and couples, moms and daughters at restaurants on their phones. I want to walk over to them and scream, "get off your phone, you are missing precious time!" But I know it will fall on deaf ears.

We never miss anything until it is gone. I hate this about life.

What I do know is that a day does not go by that I don't think of her and miss her. But I have a great relief in knowing that she knew how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. I told her all the time. Even the day my father called to tell me she was gone, my first response was, " she knew how much I loved her, at least." This upcoming Valentines day is their 72nd wedding anniversary and I always think what a sweet date she picked for a wedding.

Each day, everyday look around you. What do you love about your life? Who do you love? Tell them without hesitation. You are all the years of your life and you are all the people you have loved, you never grow up but we are always growing older and none of this is permanent.

I leave you with this picture. I bought these glasses as a joke when I was in college. I asked her to put them on just for a laugh, then snapped a picture. She was so mad at me and even more mad when I threatened to put it in the paper for her birthday, this was our relationship.