They were crazy about each other

I think I am the youngest person in my neighborhood. And I don't mean I might be the youngest by 1 or 2 years. I am younger by 20 or 30 years.

I love that. When we have social events, I am much younger than everyone in attendance. My neighbors discuss how many miles they have walked this week and who makes the most comfortable shoes. They share old war stories, like from WWII, and laugh about how they tried Facebook for a while. These people are hilarious. They aren't trying to impress you or win you over or make you envious. It is a whole different world here.

I live in a retirement community, now that isn't to say that there are not young people here like us, there are. They are just as smart as we were to buy property in this neighborhood. People take care of their yards and walk their pets. They want to know which tree you are cutting down and why. They are involved and loving and interesting. Most of them have moved to the south after retiring from up north but have learned the rules quickly. They share love by placing toys in my mailbox for my children and pick up my mailbox sign after a storm. They drop by pound cake and a smile. I have met the sweetest and most sincere people of my life by simply living in this neighborhood.

When I see them and we swap stories, I tend to tell the stories my father or grandmother told me. This is what I have in common with them. We talk about Vietnam and presidents, travel and wine. I have more in common with them than I thought. I have to admit that when I bought a house here I was not sure if I would ever feel like I had anything in common with someone in their 60s.But we have more in common then I ever thought and I no longer have to revert back to my childhood days or parental war stories just to have something to discuss.

Most recently we met a couple that is in their 80s. He still swims the width of the lake when the weather is warm. She is from Germany and he is from Italy. He liked her for so long and she wouldn't give him the time of day. This went on for years until she finally said yes to a date and now they have been marred for over 60 years. I asked him what the secret was to a happy marriage and he responded 'fight.'. "Fight everyday if you have to, but never give up."

Of course this brought me immediately back to my 'Notebook" days of," I'm not afraid to tell you what a pain in the ass you are." One of the best love story lines of all time and after 5 years of marriage, I believe this to be true. I am not afraid to tell my husband when he isn't making me happy or when he is being rude. And he isn't afraid to tell me when I am being a jerk. Does this mean I want a divorce? No, absolutely not. There is nothing wrong with expressing your unhappiness with someone. Most of the time they don't even know you are sad or disappointed or upset. Men and women are programmed very differently and it takes a long time to be okay with that, but be okay with it. Open your mouth and say what needs to be said. It's so amazing that we have the ability to express ourselves to strangers but freeze at expressing our feelings to our spouse. As women, we just think they should know why we are being quiet or giving the cold shoulder, but they don't always know. So, fight. Fight for them and for you and for your kids (if you have any).

Fight and fight and fight! If you don't fight, someone else will.

Life is too short and too fragile to be so vain as to think there is a tomorrow and another chance. There may not be. Today is the day to make your voice heard, to vocally state what you want and to fight. You can't wonder 'what if'. That is a prison that I wish upon no one. It will hold you captive and your voice will never be heard again. You will become a 'what if' in this world of cynicism and skepticism and you will be another member of the what ifs club.

I think its important to learn from those that came before us, to ask questions and seek answers. They have been there and they understand love and loss and life. Sometimes we think we know which way to best direct our lives and that we have all the answers.

We don't. You don't and I don't. And to be honest they probably don't either.

We just make decisions based on the information we have available at the time. And learning how to see beyond the horizon, well that takes time and years and wisdom. So, do the best you can with what you know. Fight and be fought for. Make sure you never ever say "What if." One day you will be telling how you survived 60+ years of marriage to young folks and you will be wearing these shoes as you tell your story. I know this because these are mine and I stole this look from my neighbors . I just wanted to fit in.

You never grow up, you just grow older

" All our lives, we rework the things from our childhood, like feeling good about ourselves, managing our angry feelings, being able to say good-bye to people we love. - Fred Rogers

You never grow up. You are not 30 or 40 today, you are 1 and 2 and 3 and so on. You are all the years that you have lived and survived on this earth. All of that makes you 30 or 40 today. And with that you carry all of those years and disappointments and joys and strengths and struggles. You are every age your ever were... today.

For me, the biggest part of life that challenges us is death. It's so final and absolute. There is nothing we as humans can do to change the facts that remain. It has happened and now we must process, acknowledge and move on. But we never really move on. We form a new normal. And this never, ever gets any easier.

My grandmother has been gone for 10 years this past January. 10 years, come and gone and I still have a pain in my soul. I still yearn for her presence and smile. I still drive by her and my grandfather's old house when I am visiting my family in Tennessee. I still can't move on. I have just learned how to survive without being able to speak to her.

I remember exactly where I was when my father called and told me. He asked if I was alone or if I had a friend with me. I had friends nearby I said, "What is wrong?" He told me she had passed and I dropped the phone. I fell to my knees and I wept. I had planned on calling her that afternoon, just a few hours from now. I wanted to check in and see how she was doing. I was too late. The days that followed were a blur. Lots of friends and family members your haven't seen in years all telling you how very sorry they are. But the entire time you feel like they don't know your pain and can't comprehend what you are going through. They mean well and you are glad they attended but it gives no solace to the enormous gap you now have in your soul and everyone can see it, you know they can.

My grandmother was ready to go once my grandfather died. In one of the last conversations I had with her she mentioned how much she missed him and was ready to go any day. This made me cry which made her upset and made me feel guilty. She had every right to want to leave this world to spend eternity with my grandfather and I had no right to try and convince her otherwise and keep her here with me. At his funeral I was standing with her when the preacher asked what she would miss most about him and she replied, "helping him tie his shoes." My grandfather had a stroke years back and needed help with daily tasks and she had unselfishly taken on this responsibility, no questions asked. I can't say the same would be true for my generation.

I miss her everyday and the pain is just as real as it was 10 years ago. You just find a new normal. I still talk to her often and share her recipes with others. I have her blue willow china in my garage that has been waiting for a home. You hold on to all the things and memories that make that person special and you wonder if they could see you today, would they be proud.

For those of you that know me personally, everything you like about me and everything that makes me a good person, I got that from my grandmother. She read bible verses to me and cooked me chicken and dumplings. She tucked me in at night when I was visiting and always asked what she could do for me. It was never about her. I wish I had spent more time with her when she was here. I wish I had spent every day that she was on this earth, speaking to her. Even if I had just called to say hello and ask her how her day was going. Today, I see families, and couples, moms and daughters at restaurants on their phones. I want to walk over to them and scream, "get off your phone, you are missing precious time!" But I know it will fall on deaf ears.

We never miss anything until it is gone. I hate this about life.

What I do know is that a day does not go by that I don't think of her and miss her. But I have a great relief in knowing that she knew how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. I told her all the time. Even the day my father called to tell me she was gone, my first response was, " she knew how much I loved her, at least." This upcoming Valentines day is their 72nd wedding anniversary and I always think what a sweet date she picked for a wedding.

Each day, everyday look around you. What do you love about your life? Who do you love? Tell them without hesitation. You are all the years of your life and you are all the people you have loved, you never grow up but we are always growing older and none of this is permanent.

I leave you with this picture. I bought these glasses as a joke when I was in college. I asked her to put them on just for a laugh, then snapped a picture. She was so mad at me and even more mad when I threatened to put it in the paper for her birthday, this was our relationship.

I think I left the spoon in the womb

Actually I didn't leave it, it never existed. The majority of us probably weren't born with a sliver spoon in our mouths but I often get the feeling that people make this judgment about others simply because they do not know the journey. When you see someone that has more than you, its easy to assume they have always lived that way. You become jealous or perhaps resentful of this new person that was just added to you life. You feel less than and intimidated. Don't worry, they are just as intimidated by you. I am tired of people putting on masks for others and I think the world would be a much nicer and less hostile place if we all just became really honest about our journey.

"I haven't always been this way." This is my favorite line from What's eating Gilbert Grape. There is so much truth to that one statement. Too often I think young people get the notion that once they receive a college or even high school diploma that the job offers and money will begin rolling in.

There seems to be some sort of disconnect between where we are and where we are going.

This is a journey and its long and its hard and its full of disappointments and sadness, but its also full of humility and joy and resolutions. I did not wake up one day married to a wonderful man that makes a nice salary. I haven't always lived in a large home or had extra money to buy clothes for an event or shoes just because I thought they were cute. What you see is the result of many, many..um, many years of struggle.

I grew up in a small town with parents that had very little knowledge of the importance of education beyond high school. This is not their fault of course, and I am one of many that had this type of upbringing. You see in my parents day, college was meant for rich kids.

If your parents had money, you went to college. If you parents didn't have money, you went to work.

My parents didn't have money and I think they prepared me for the work force which I am grateful for today. My father has an amazing work ethic and I was raised on beliefs that you 'do' because its what you should do. There are no "free rides" and "no one owes you anything."
I'm glad they raised me this way. It has come in handy throughout life and you can't buy a good work ethic. I'm also glad I was raised in a small town and I watched over and over people struggle with paying their bills, living in fear of lay offs and saving their hard earned money so they could take their family to the beach once a year. It was a simple and honest community and I am thankful for my exposure to it.But it was a life I never wanted to live. I saw other people leave and never come back. I wanted that. I didn't know what to do, I just knew I wanted it.

One day during my senior year my counselor invited me into her office to discuss my future plans. I am sure this was apart of her job and she just needed to write something in my file. 'Met with Alison Caldwell, she wants to attend a 2 year tech school to study business.' "So Alison, What would you like to do after high school?" Please keep in mind that this was one of the first and only times I was ever asked this question. I responded to her kind, 'hurry up there are a lot of kids waiting' smile with " Whatever I can do to get out." Her smile quickly faded and she said, "Then you need to go off to college somewhere." It was at this point I realized those days of goofing off in class and not paying attention really were going to come back and haunt me. I didn't have the grades I needed to go off to school. This lady was clearly nuts. As I began to sob, she stopped me and said, "Wait, you can go to 2 year school, make good grades then transfer." HOPE.

I went to community college for 2 years, made all A's and B's, applied to The University of Tennessee and was accepted. I was ecstatic!
Then I realized through a letter from the university about 6 months in that you actually had to attend class and study. This was news to me and I was not happy. I thought college was like all those movies I saw growing up. I mean I think I was partying enough and meeting all the right people so why wasn't this working out for me? Well as it turns out, this was different from high school and JCC.
They actually wanted me to earn this degree.
So, it was time to get serious. I knew that if I didn't get my act together then all of this would've been a waste. All my hard work up to this point, all the sacrifices and tears and joys and pains, all for nothing. I couldn't fail. I actually remember what I was wearing and where I was sitting the day I decided failure wasn't an option and that I would do whatever it took to graduate from The University of Tennessee.
This is where the real struggle began. In order for me to fully immerse myself into school, I had to change everything I loved about it(parties). I moved into a (frightfully, scary) apartment BY MYSELF. I planned study hours and tutoring sessions into my schedule. And I said "No" to friends...a lot. My only regret really was that I didn't do this earlier.

And in May of 2003,I became the first person in my family to earn a college degree. This is still my proudest moment.

So today, as you see me now, here is what I want you to know about that time in my life. I had days where I had to choose between eating and paying a bill. I had nights where there were so many blankets on my bed and so much snow on the ground and I was still cold because I didn't have the money to turn on my heat. I smiled through the phone as my parents asked what they could do to help. "Nothing." I would reply. They had already done too much. I have washed clothes at laundry mats with my cell phone in my hand pre-dialed to call 911 because there were some serious creepers hanging around 17th street in Knoxville. I put groceries on credit cards that I knew I would never be able to pay off. I lived on Fritos and water. I was humbled, humiliated and thankful. I prayed, a lot. I've had a great life. Today, I have all I could want and more and I have been extremely blessed. But it has not always been this way.

Don't judge people based on where they are today.

Imagine if someone did that to you when you were at your lowest and then they never forgot or forgave you for just being at a place along your journey and not where they think you should be. We could all use a little extra helping of grace with a dash of humility. Please don't look at me today and think I have always been this way. I haven't. But I am so very thankful for the journey and events that brought me to this place and I wouldn't trade that for anything, not even a silver spoon.