A letter to my daughters

I recently, through a childhood friend of my husband's, witnessed the miraculous silver lining to being able to say what you need to those you love before you leave this world. Although terminal illness is a terrible tragedy to live through for both the ill and the family and friends, I see a window of great opportunity some of us will never have. They get to say I love you, you changed my life and good-bye.

In case you have yet to figure this out, none of us are promised a tomorrow. I pray and wish and hope I am here to see my daughter's graduate high school. I already picture them in their wedding gowns and the smile on my husband's face as he fights back tears to say, "her mother and I." I imagine I will be there but I have seen a lot of good people leave this world all too soon and I understand God's plans are not always my plans.

So I felt it necessary to sit down and say what needs to be said. I love them too much to leave them without words and advice and of course my opinions. But with God's grace this will be something we will all laugh about one day. Together.
Dear Mattie and Gigi, When I first saw you in the hospital room after hours of labor and 9 months of diabetes, I felt as thought my heart would burst with love. I couldn't control my emotions and I knew I would never have a better moment for the rest of my life. I spent the first few days after you came home wondering what I had done that was so special. I couldn't understand why God picked me to be your mom but I no longer doubted his existence or his plan for my life. Then exhaustion set in. I actually asked the Dr., after you were born Mattie, if I could contract a disease based on lack of sleep. She laughed. I was serious. I had spent years in college working on term papers after 2 hours of rest then faced days of long classes and daycare hours to pay the bills. That was easy. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. Your dad and I decided that we would be ok if I took a break from teaching to spend time with you both and give you the best start. Your earliest days were filled with grocery store and CVS trips simply because I needed to get out of the house. When we were home, you slept a lot during the day and woke up a lot during the night. I fed you, changed you and rocked you to lullabies. You were so sweet and warm and I wondered again why God had blessed me. I decided that from that point on forever and ever I would give back to everyone that needed anything. I would try my best to be the most caring, loving and giving person to others to pay God back for what he did for me. After almost 4 years of motherhood and trying my best to be a better person, I am still in debt.

I want you to know just a few things. First, to Mattie- You are one of the best people I have ever met in my life. You love unconditionally. You always think of others before yourself and you do this without any judgments. I have seen Gigi bite you then cry because she hurt a tooth and you will console her because she is in pain. My hope is that you will always be this way. My fear is that the world will change and harden you and you will lose this special gift. Please hang on to this. People will see this as a weakness, for a while but don't let them change you. You have a sweet and caring soul and as you grow and others grow this trait will be valued and appreciated by everyone. People will seek you out as a friend, spouse and co-worker because you can be trusted and you are genuine. Choose love anyway. Every time. I can't wait to see how much help you give the world.
Gigi- You are 100% or 0. Minutes before you entered the world, I was lying in the hospital bed and the clock on the wall began spinning rapidly backwards. This makes total sense to me now. Your energy level is fun and contagious. I do not worry about you. You will always be able to take care of yourself and those around you. Always use this ability for good. Anytime you see a class mate that is being treated poorly or is upset, I will depend on you to be the person to take up for them, to set everyone straight and if needed to be the hero. I have no doubt that you can fill those shoes. God gave you a very special gift of strength with a knowledge of right and wrong. Many people will need you to be there for them, to be their voice when they cannot speak and to fight for what is right. You will do this because it's who you are. I can't wait to see the good you do in this world.

But I am a tough mom. I am no push over and you have both begun to realize that. I do not apologize for this and I want you to know why. It's my job to prepare you for life. It's not your job to make me feel happy or whole or complete. I already got those things from my life before you were born. Many times it does hurt me to see you sad or not get something you feel you need but I am preparing you for disappointment and reality. You will not always get your way. Everyone you meet will not think you are the most special person they have ever met. You have to be able to handle all of that and more and that is what I am teaching you. I don't give you what you want, I will never 'buy' your love or purchase things out of guilt. I refuse to have spoiled, entitled children but more importantly I refuse to cripple your future with false hopes and false things that will never bring you true joy. You will be glad I did this when you are an adult
Currently, my favorite part of motherhood is when you ask me to lay with you. When you need a 'snuggle bunny.' I know these days won't last forever and I cherish those moments with you. You think I am sleeping because I close my eyes so that you will sleep. Then once I know you have drifted off, I will touch your soft hand and think how small your fingers are in mine. I will brush your hair away from your face and wonder what you are thinking of. In these moments, life is perfect. I close my eyes and pray for God to continue to give me more time to be your mom and sometimes I ask him to please let you stop growing and changing so rapidly. If I could freeze time, I would freeze today.

So that's it. That is what I need you to know. Meeting your dad, getting married, then being the mom to both of you is the best part of my life. Today is my best day.
"Those who don't believe in magic will never find it"
We have a pair of swallows that have built their nest in exactly the same place on a wooden beam in the tool shed for the past six years, and it's amazing to me how they fly off thousands of miles to North Africa in the Autumn with their young and then six months later find their way back to the same tool shed at Gipsy house, Great Missended, Bucks It's a miracle and the brainiest ornithologists in the world still cannot explain how they do it. From My Year by Roald Dahl

Fill 'er up!

Remember when people pulled into gas stations and there was an attendant anxiously awaiting the arrival. He would greet the driver with a smile and check the fluids under the hood. The driver would roll down his window and shout, "Fill 'er up, please!" The attendant smiled and began filling the tank. The driver could then be on their way, full and ready to take on the world again.

Much like the 'good 'ol days' of gas stations attendants, we as people need to be filled up. As the new year came and went, I read many resolutions about getting in shape, trying to eat better, cut out sugar, etc. But never do you read about people wanting to fill up their emotional energy. In order to feel complete and whole, humans need their mental, physical and emotional needs met.

We want to get into better shape so we can look better in our jeans. We want to eat better so our skin glows and we can have more energy to do the activities we enjoy.
But what about when your emotional or spiritual energy gets low. There doesn't seem to be a place where we can pull in and refill. Or is there?

Many of us don't realize what an important part of life our emotional well being is or if we are even running on empty. Wouldn't it be great if you were equipped with a bright orange light or perhaps a beeping sound that alerts you when you need to get filled back up? Well, you were. It's that lacking in your soul. It's that need to go out and consume, to be materialistic, to judge others without so much as a twitch. And we have all been guilty of that. At some point we have all ran a little low. That is your bright orange light that you are empty. That is your beeping sound.

I once wrote an email to my husband at work. I was feeling particular nostalgic that morning and wrote to him about how happy I was and what a wonderful life we had built together. I don't say these things as often as I need to, but when the sentiment hits, I act upon it. He responded with his appreciation and stated that I had "given him the energy he needed to get through his tumultuous day." This made me think. Energy? How did my words fill him with the energy he needed? And why did his response to me make me feel so full?

It's simple. It's love. The giving and receiving of kind words. By expressing my thoughts to him, I shared and showed love and that filled him up emotionally. Now, If I could just erase his guilt of spending time at the gym and I could learn to stop cooking with cream of chicken soup, he would be back on the highway doing 80!

I have found that many things fill me up these days. For one, attending church each Sunday. I am reminded of the things that are important in life and am humbled that I don't have it figured out and could always be doing better. When I pick my children up at preschool each day and their faces light up as they rush to me, this fills me up. When I do nice things for others, acts of kindness, this fills me up. Without these things in my life, I would never completely feel full. Without these things, the exchange of love would never be present.
Every now and again I feel my fluids getting low and I have learned to understand that to get love you must ask for it.How many times have you been on the side of the highway and a gas station attendant shows up with a gas can?

Pull into the gas station and ask the attendant for what you need.

Sometimes the attendant is your spouse, a friend or even perhaps God. Ask and you shall receive. None of us deserves to be running on empty, but in order for your tank to be filled back up, you first must acknowledge the bright orange light and ask the attendant for what you need. And if he doesn't hear you the first time, there is nothing wrong with shouting, "Fill 'er up, please!"

I once hit a Opossum, once

First, I am not sure if it is "an" opossum or "a" opossum. I teach English and should know these things but I am more obsessed with there, their and they're. But that is not the point. I hit a Opossum once. I was in high school on the way to meet some friends. It was a Friday night, in the early Spring I think and I was driving down a side street in my small town in Tennessee. The thing ran right under my wheel, I swear! There was nothing I could do to prevent it. At least that is what I have spent the last 18 or so years telling myself. That is a long time to dwell on the death of a opossum. But it wasn't so much about the death that bothered me. I was more upset about the babies that were now without their mom or the mom that was back in the burrow waiting on the dad to bring home food (too many Disney movies). It was more of a mourning of the impact my carelessness had on the life, or demise of the opossum. This was solely my fault.

Which brings me to my point, parenting.

I know, the death of a opossum and raising children couldn't possibly have anything in common, but you are wrong. I have 2 children, a wonderful, supportive husband and I live a middle class comfy life. I don't do without and honestly besides the occasional vacation to the Caribbean there is not much else I want. But I do want my kids to be the best people they can be. I want them to thrive and change lives and be happy. And that puts a world of responsibility on my shoulders. It's there, I know it, because they hurt all the time. I'm a tough parent. I will admit that. My girls don't get away with much and sometimes I worry they fear me more than respect me. The thought of them looking up at me with tear soaked eyes waiting for my reaction to a mistake they have made as I try to calmly and rationally put my words together when all I can think about is my juice stained couch, scares me to death. My actions or lack there of in this moment could impact the rest of their lives. I imagine them on their future therapist's couch speaking of time outs and ipad restrictions. The ramifications of this one event could impact their lives forever.

This is all my fault!

No, actually it's not. Just like how I chose to go out with friends that night and I chose to take that side street. But I had no idea that opossum was planning a suicide mission. You can't predict the future.

My husband and I both constantly worry if we are making the correct decisions. If we are raising our kids so they can be the best people they can be. And honesty, I don't know. But what I do know is that we have a background of life experiences, solid educations, and a strong love for our children with a willing desire to see them succeed that is unmatched to anything. Even college was easier then parenting and that took me 7 years to accomplish!

I often find myself talking to other young moms that feel that every decision they make, every word they speak, every slice of processed frozen pizza they shove into their child's mouth will have a profound effect on the outcome. And all I can say is this, Do the best you can. Don't make too many careless mistakes. Take the main highway sometimes even though the side street has a pretty view and less traffic. None of us know if what we are doing is correct, we are just doing the best we can with what we know.

Take it all day by day, breathe and remember opossums have a wild streak and a penchant for curiosity. All of them!