You've got the right stuff, baby

Christmas season. It is fully upon us as is the rush and hustle and bustle of shoppers. I said to my niece on Black Friday that if police officers are spending their shifts at Wal- Mart we have failed as a society. It's all about the stuff even after we just realized how lucky and thankful we are.


Recently I read an article describing a new parenting trend(boy, I hate those) in which parents are now writing letters from Santa to their kids apologizing for not bringing the exact item the kid requested. This is to harbor any disappointment I assume.  The stuff is just too important.


I will not be writing any letters from Santa.


A few days ago my husband and I spent Saturday apart. He played golf with his dad and the girls and I had a fun day out and about after being at home for 3 days during Thanksgiving break. When we met back up at the end of a long day my husband said to me, " I realized something about you today that I have never thought of before." I of course am now blushing because even at a golf outing my hubby still thinks about me. He continued, "Experiences mean so much to you, way more than they mean to me. That is what makes you happy." Lord, I love this man.
And he was right.  I haven't thought about it all that much but with the holidays approaching I began to think of that more. I don't recall what I got for Christmas each year during my childhood. Not even the years there was one BIG must have item and somehow Santa was able to bring it for me. Not even then.


Here is what I do remember.
I remember the screen poach of our old house and when my mom would turn off all the lights except the ones on the Christmas tree and the room glowed. I remember when my dad would come home from work and say, "Who wants an ice cream?" And we piled into the car for Dairy Queen. I remember the smell of my grandmother's house and I can still taste her chicken and dumplings that she made just for me only because I requested it. I remember living in New Orleans and the sounds of music and the laughter of tourist that filled the air. I remember eating beignets and trying Café Du Monde coffee for the first time.  I remember mardi gras parades and the taste of King cake. I remember playing baseball in the back yard of our new house in Tennessee and the first friends I made at Highland Rim Elementary. I remember finding weird bugs in the backyard. I remember when my mom would send cupcakes to school for my birthday and my dad would pick me up instead of having to ride the bus one day.


THAT is what I remember about my childhood. Those adventures that made childhood magical and warm. Those experiences that made me feel special and loved and valued. I don't remember the stuff.

And my kids won't recall the stuff either.


They will remember mom coming to their school to help with a party. They will remember their first flight and the car rides to Tennessee. They will remember the time we forgot bathing suites but went swimming anyway. They will remember mom reading to them and chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. They will remember walks around the neighborhood and the sound of dad's laugh. Those are the things they will take with them into adulthood while the stuff fills my attic. Those are the things that will bring a smile to their face one day when they are driving to work reminiscing about being 6 again.


This year Santa is brining toys and candy, I am not completely bought out yet. But he is also bringing a zoo membership  and other experiences that offer a chance to make the memories for my children that a 'must have' toy never will.

When enough is enough

In the kitchen making no bake cookies and smiling because its a recipe from my grandmother and I feel like she is with me. I know how to make casseroles with cream of 'anything' I can find on the shelves. I love when my house smells clean. Thanksgiving dinner is my super bowl.


And I often ask at what point did enough stop being enough?

And you know the thing about feeling like its enough is simple- self acceptance. I'm not trying to convince you that the way I live my life is the way you should or even that you have to accept me. Because here is the truth- I accept me. And when people accept themselves its easy to ignore what society tells you should be or how you should live. And its even easier when you accept yourself to NOT get so caught up on how people will judge you, like you or not like you.


So I don't have an acceptance agenda to cram down your throat.
But what I do want you to know is that when enough becomes your enough, it's okay.

I don't want to run a company. I don't. I don't care if I get to buy expensive purses or drive a fancy car or have people in a corporate world admire me. I just want to make you a sweet potato casserole.
I want to have a surprise cupcake waiting for my kids after their first day of school. I want to clean my floors and buy candles. I want to put together trick or treat bags and create holiday wreaths. I  want to be the CEO of my family.


One of the most influential people in my life was my grandmother. She didn't make a ton of money, write novels or invent anything. She was never admired for her collections of jewelry or her large home. She worked a few different jobs to help support her family and she never had a driver's license yet she was admired by me and almost every one who met her. She was admired for her sense of personal ownership that she took to ensure the care for her family was done by her. She always wanted to feed you. Her house smelled of cinnamon and cabbage. Of spaghetti and casseroles baking in her wall oven. And her home, well it was spotless. She read scriptures aloud and prayed.  She took great pride in her home and in her cooking and in her caring for those she most cared about.


My grandfather had a stroke early in life and it prevented his mobility, it affected his speech and at times it made him angry. She loved and she cared and she cleaned and she loved some more. She closed her eyes when she laughed and she kept dirty dish rags hanging from her shoulder. She not only accepted her life as mother, wife, grandmother, sister and friend, she loved it. She watched you eat and waited for you to tell her it was good. She asked what your "order" was as soon as you entered her home then she spent the next 45 minutes completing it and serving it and cleaning up afterwards.


 If we were happy, she was happy. Enough was enough.

The greatest thing that came from feminism is that whatever life a woman chooses to live is her choice. I get to cook for my family and make cookies on nights when our favorite show is on. I decorate Christmas trees and would be mortified if you saw under my couch (which probably needs to be cleaned again) I like the smell of Tide on my kids clothes and the feel of my husbands ties as I lay them across the bed. I want my kids to grow up and know that their mom's life was enough. It was more than enough.


Do I complain about my workload, having to balance life and work and kids? Sure, of course I do. But the truth is even in those complaints, I wouldn't change anything. THIS life. THIS balance of being a mom and wife a daughter and sister a friend and teacher- THIS is enough.


So the next time you come to my house and you notice the fresh cut flowers on the table or you ask for my cookie recipe please know that to me, its like you offered me a promotion. It's the single best gift I can be given to know that you think I melted the marshmallows just right on the sweet potato casserole and that my kids were the best behaved at the slumber party. Those things, those simple every day words are a direct result of me living a life I only once dreamed about while sitting in my grandmother's kitchen watching her make chicken and dumplings and thinking about how she was more than enough.






Granny's PB chocolate no bake cookies

2 cups sugar

1/2 cup milk

1 stick (8 tablespoons)  butter

1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

3 cups old-fashioned rolled oats

1 cup smooth peanut butter

1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract

Bring the sugar, milk, butter and cocoa to a boil in a medium saucepan over medium heat, stirring occasionally, then let boil for 1 minute. Remove from the heat. Add the oats, peanut butter, vanilla and salt, and stir to combine
Drop teaspoonfuls of the mixture onto the prepared baking sheet, and let sit at room temperature until cooled and hardened, about 30 minutes.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

We survived! I sent my first born into the clenches of school and she came out fine. I however, did not. I complained. I whined. I didn't like anything. Before it ever started I hated it. I cried in my kitchen, I cried in my bathroom, I cried when I dropped her off the first day. Then after these longs 9 months had passed I realized in June that all I really needed to know about parenting I learned in Kindergarten.


1. Share everything. Even your children. Share them with their teachers, other children and even school admin and librarians and art teachers. Share them so other people get to enjoy the person you have put forth so much effort and raised in such a way that these people, these professionals that studied education get to tell you, "Good job" and get to love your kids as you do.


2. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. I had these a lot this past year. On days when Mattie came home and told me she didn't eat lunch because it was gross but I was too busy that morning to pack her lunch so it was my fault I had a starving 5 year old at 3pm. Also nachos with lots of processed cheese and jalapeños are good for you as well as wine, beer and tequila. They are all good for you in large quantities during Kindergarten year!


3. Live a balanced life - learn some and drink some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work everyday some. Everything is good in balance.  Some days she came home beaming about how awesome her day was and some days no one noticed her art work or she was kicked. Try not to focus on all the bad. The bad is going to happen. Focus on what was really good during kindergarten and forget what didn't go the way you had planned for your child, trust me they never notice the bad. And you get to teach them how to deal when the bad does come along. Everyday will not be perfect and you are going to have to deal with that.


4.  Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why. You have a front row seat to the growth of your child and if you are lucky you had teachers that supported and loved that growth and told you over and over and over. THAT is what makes it okay in the end. THAT is how you will survive.


5. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK." Look at the child you have today, after Kindergarten has completed. Look at how they have grown and developed and be sure to not only look but to listen. Listen to their thoughts and desires because most likely they know more about what they want then you do. You will start to see a real live person, not your baby. A person with ideas and thoughts and opinions and if you are lucky they share or sometimes scream their opinions and you as their parent should be so proud of the growth you have SEEN.

This year Mattie came home and told me of stories that she helped kids in her class. She told me of compliments she received and awards that were coming. She celebrated best friends and reading accomplishments and she developed a bond with her teacher that is unlike her bond with me. And that is okay. She doesn't need me to shelter her and protect her or save her. She is doing just fine on her own and that is all we really want as parents. So that one day, one day when we are not there to hold her hand or stop her from walking in front of a car she will know what to do, instantly. She will just know because she has been given the tools to succeed and sometimes those tools come from her mom and dad and sometimes they don't and its the don't that made Kindergarten so incredibly special.

Here is to hoping your don'ts go as good as mine did and that in June at the end of your special butterfly's Kindergarten year you too will embrace all that has been learned, not by your child, but by you the parent and that letting go is hard and holding on is impossible but all you really needed to know about parenting you learned in Kindergarten!


*Citation: Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

I took the TV out of my kid's bedroom and here is what happened

I am guilty of it. I need a break in the evening, a chance to unwind and just be. Sitting on the couch next to my husband, glass of wine in hand, no kids, watching a mindless show. This was my favorite part of the day. Every day. So I get it, I really do. There is no shame in having a TV in your kids bedroom. My oldest is 6 and we put one in her room around age 3 against our pediatricians recommendation. We did it anyway. And it was amazing! Quite evenings, kids entertained. Time to relax!


Then one day just out of blue I was cleaning out my kids rooms, while they were away of course because otherwise you aren't allowed to get rid of anything. "Mom, I need that empty juice bottle." And it dawned on me. What would happen if I take the TV out? Will my life tail spin into deep despair and regret? Will my husband and I never have a quite evening moment again? OR will it be the best thing I have done as a parent? And I can always put it back if it turns out to be a disaster.
So I took the TV out of my daughter's bedroom.


I gave up my dining room (again) and gave my kids their playroom back. I have a love/ hate relationship with the playroom but its also 1 room I have to keep tidy and not 2 bedrooms + a hallway. Its the lesser of the evils.
When the kids returned home, I shared the good news first. "You're getting your playroom back!" They were overwhelmed with excitement which quickly turned to sadness once they noticed the TV in the playroom. "But you put the TV in here too mom."
This quickly turned into lots of questions from my 6 and 4 year old. "Why did you take out the TV?" "What are we supposed to do at night?" "Can we not watch movies anymore?" "WHY??"
"Well," I responded. "We are going to read books each night before you go to bed." I could've easily said, " because I am selling you on the black market," and I would've gotten the same response. DEVASTATION.


Now, my kids LOVE books, they love to read with us, when they want to. They love the library and often will ask for books as gifts. But switching out the TV to listen to their mother read to them was too much of a compromise. I knew ahead of time I was going to be met with resistance so I was prepared and I busted out the big guns- Roald Dahl.


One of my closest friends gave my oldest daughter an entire collection of Roald Dahl books for her birthday one year and often we would take one down from the shelf and toy with reading it, but without pictures it didn't go over well. However, since the point is to get them to go to sleep, I don't want them trying hard to stay awake to see pictures and I knew this was going to take a long time to adjust and I needed about 200 pages of words just in case. We started with Charlie and the Chocolate factory.


The first couple of nights were rough. I regretted this decision. It took forever for them to fall asleep. I became thirsty an hot and agitated while lying in bed with 2 very wide awake little girls. When I finished reading, my husband had already gone to bed most nights. Sometimes it was after 10pm. But I stuck with it. I was determined to make this work. I am a big supporter of research and I knew this was going to be better for my kids and better for my family. Honestly if a new study was published stating that chewing glass would make smarter kids I would be in the kitchen breaking dishware rather than writing this blog.


We began an entirely new bedtime routine. Dad brushes teeth, everyone says goodnight then the girls and I lay in my oldest daughter's bed for story time. I keep a bright nightlight near me to see the words and we snuggle and I read and I read and sometimes I read for almost an hour. And eventually they fall asleep. In a marine type operation I slowly creep out from under the blanket and walk ever so softly across the floor. Once I am free and the bedroom door is closed, its like I escaped Alcatraz. After a few days I already noticed changes in my kids behavior. We seemed to be closer and their morning attitude was so much better. They were getting more rest and I was feeling really good about this decision.


Day after day and night after night, I kept reading. We finally got a golden ticket. We got to meet Mr Wonka. We learned that awful children get their just desserts. We learned that grateful children get rewarded. We learned that the oompa- loompa songs are extremely long in the book. We cheered when Charlie was given the factory. And we celebrated when we read our very first big book together. We watched the movie as a family and ate popcorn.  We have inside jokes now. My kids will say, "Mom that reminds me of something Willy Wonka would say." We are looking in every store possible for Wonka bars. My kids have loved spending this time with me.


And my favorite part of the day has been exchanged for snuggles and hugs and listening to the adventures of Charlie Bucket.

From Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

Shout out to never being perfect!

It recently dawned on me how much of my happiness is dependent on how much I am okay with me. Whenever I am mad or upset with me, I am unhappy. It's like when you get a promotion, you are happy because you take complete credit for such an accomplishment. That happened because YOU made it happen and you can feel good about you.


But what about those times when you don't feel like you measure up and never will. How do we fix that? Do you just continue to strive at being better? Making more money? Driving a better car or living in a better house?

Maybe you, like me focus a lot on being a better parent, like the best parent. And nothing you do will ever be good enough. You read articles about good parenting habits, you try to get your kids in bed at 7:30pm- yes success! I am enough! Well, maybe not, because they got back up at 10:00 and you watched Scooby-doo until midnight. Fail! Maybe you wish you had better hair or a better figure. No matter what you wish for or what you want to change its never going to be enough and it will never make you happy, because you will always find another fault.


 I have been on this planet almost 38 years. And 1 thing I have learned is ME. I know all about me and I think once we embrace who we ARE TODAY we can be okay with it and stop trying to be everything we can't measure up to.


So this dear friends is for us. For those of us who finally need to be happy just being who we are.


1. I am never going to be athletic. I have tried. It's not in me. The most athletic thing I can do is run. It's like walking but faster and I've been doing that since I was 2 so I have that down. I don't have to be athletic, its not a big deal and I get a lot of pleasure from long walks and short runs followed my multiple dry heaving.


2. I am never going to have a filter- I say inappropriate things all the time. I don't take the time to process what I am going to say, my brain doesn't work that way. I make jokes at funerals because I am uncomfortable and I make one liner jokes to strangers that barely know me and don't think I am funny. I have to just embrace this about myself and hope I never get sucker punched.


3. I am never going to be the perfect mother- Ouch, this one hurts and its the one I am currently dealing with most. I can't remember to check their clipboards each day. I cleaned the house last week and found a bag Mattie was supposed to send a potato in 4 days earlier. I forget to brush their teeth in a rush and I feed them Ramen noodles when I don't want to cook. Hopefully when they are older they will still love me and want to spend time with me and if they don't then see rule 8.




4. I am never going to be good at laundry- I hate it. I hate it so much. I don't' know how to iron and we have clean clothes that I have no intention of ever folding and putting away. I don't  think we even have enough hangers for all these clothes. My sister is very good at this one and she can't understand my hatred. She irons undershirts...UNDERSHIRTS!


5. I am never going to enjoy doing my hair- I don't think I have had a 'hairstyle' my entire life. My hair is straight. That's it. I hate to wash it cause it takes forever to dry. I would go weeks without washing if my husband didn't remind me by referring to me to "Stay Golden, Pony Boy." I love the cute girls on magazines and TV that have that perfect curled long hair. That will never be me and if it doesn't act right, I will be forced to cut it all off.


6. I am never going to stop biting my nails- Its an anxiety thing. I have done if for years. I can't stop now. My nails will never be pretty. I bought the stuff the tastes terrible to stop my habit.. I didn't' mind the taste. I spent money to get the fake ones, I bit those off too. Scruffy nail nubs is the life for me and I have to deal with it.


7. I will never be good at being an adult- I fear responsibility. I can't make hard decisions.  I want to be Peter Pan forever. Its not fair to those that love me. I am sorry. But I am also a lot of fun so I feel its a good trade off to all concerned.




8. I will always enjoy a good stiff drink- There is something comfy about a glass of whiskey or warming about a glass of wine. I have tried to exercise instead or go for a walk. I took a long bath or wrote in a journal. Once I went almost an entire afternoon without it. Just kidding, it was like 2 weeks. By then I had forgotten why I was trying to quit. I don't smoke so cut me a break.


9 I will never enjoy reading- I don't enjoy this. I am envious of people that take a good book to the beach and get lost in it. Yes, I majored in English lit and I read a lot. But I read classics and I deciphered the language. I enjoy reading short autobiographies or how to build a sailboat manuscripts. I would rather read about the history of Wal- Mart than any best seller on the market. I just can't. Like my friend Chad Shrader used to say, "If its good, they will make a movie."


10.I will never be able to leave the south- I have left before and I hated it. I am southern through and through. I love the people here, the laid back atmosphere and of course the food. Our culture is one that is mocked and ridiculed and I get it. But its me and I love it and I am not making the mistake of leaving again. I am envious of people that live in NYC or other countries. That must be so amazing. But  I am the crazy that people joke we bring out on the porch and flaunt around cause we don't try to hide our crazy in the south. And although this is a part of me I can't change. I wouldn't' change it even if I knew how.




Be okay with you today. Embrace the good and bad the nevers and always. Because at the end of the day we have no one to measure ourselves to. No one to hold the standard of a normal, perfect human  being. Just keep on being you cause I think you are pretty great at it!

Churches are full of hypocrites

I wasn't raised in a traditional household that made me get up on Sundays and attend church. I wasn't taught bible stories and I didn't recite scripture.  We began attending regularly later around the time I was a teenager but I was forced and didn't really enjoy it. I didn't get anything out of it and back then as a teenager, it was of course all about me. Plus I felt that churches were full of hypocrites, at least that is what everyone said.


According to Merriam-Webster a hypocrite is a person who claims or pretends to have certain beliefs about what is right but who behaves in a way that disagrees with those beliefs.


During my college years and beyond I would attend a church every now and then. I sat in the back, listened to what the preacher had to say and agreed with some of it and disagreed with some of it. I may go back or I may not. It didn't matter.




 I didn't have a very good foundation of religion and being able to make up my mind as a adult meant I never had to make up my mind- this is why I take my kids to church now.


 But why in the world would I attend church? It's full of people that are fake and think they are better than everyone. Like there is some secret that they have figured out when really they are just drinking the Kool-Aid.


If you have ever said, "Churches are full of hypocrites." You are correct. It is.


Have you ever been thirsty? I mean thirsty like you just ran 10 miles and feel as if you don't have something to drink you might die? People that attend church are thirsty. Their souls are needy and their sprits are broken. They are so thirsty they have fallen to their knees and wept because they don't know how to handle their addiction anymore. They are so thirsty they have had to pull over on the side of the road because the tears in their eyes are too much to drive.


Church is full of people that are adulterers and addicts and alcoholics. People that judge and swear and made messes of their lives.
If they were perfect, they wouldn't need to go to church.


Their souls are dehydrated. And one day they walked into a church and sat in the back quietly and listened to what they preacher had to say. Some of it made sense and some of it was strange. When it was over a few people shook their hand and said please come back. So the next Sunday when this person was just a little less thirsty and spent their week wondering about what that preacher was talking about, they got dressed and went back to church. They sat quietly in the back and listened to the preacher. When it was over a few more people came by to say hello and told them to please come back. And they did. This is the beginning of a persons spiritual journey. A small step to the back pew of church.


They still had addiction, money problems, or martial issues. Those things didn't just go away. But they kept going to church on Sunday and drinking the kool-aid or Grace-orade as I like to call it, and it began to quench their thirst. They still had problems, they still weren't perfect but they still kept sitting on the back pew each Sunday and listening.


You don't have to be perfect to attend church. You just have to go. Your spiritual journey is just like any other. You learn and grow and it takes time to develop trust and relationships but it will happen. You just have to keep going and trying to be more like Jesus.Those are big shoes to fill. But the good news is nobody expects you to fill His shoes, just keep going and keep trying and learning and asking questions.


If you have walked into a church and felt judged and alone and you hated it and left, I am sorry. This is not how all churches are and that is a poor example of a Christian church family. Remember when you were 15 and you had that boyfriend that was so awesome and then one day he disappointed you and you decided you hated him forever? Well you didn't stop looking for a better one. That one had its own issues and wasn't for you but that doesn't mean there isn't the perfect one out there for you.

So for those of you that so freely judge church goers that make the decision to give their lives to the Lord and become Christians but don't act like it in every aspects of their lives I say, "Shame on you."


We all need grace and forgiveness which is where the source of our thirst comes from. We need to fall to our knees and say, if there is anything out there greater than me, then please help me. I am a liar, a cheater, a judge of others, an addict. I don't know how to stop.


I often behave in a way that disagrees with my beliefs and with things church is trying to teach me, so I keep learning. I keep going back. I give myself a break and remember that I am not perfect but I am trying. You just have to try.


To  that  old man in your neighborhood that yells at the kids to stay off his driveway but attends church each Sunday or your uncle that was addicted to drugs for years and wasn't there for his kids and now attends church on Sunday or to you whoever  you are out there and wherever you are in your spiritual journey just know you a probably a hypocrite because people can't see you today, how you are NOW and people can't see how hard you are trying. Plus some  people have a hard time letting go of their miserable company so you have to be okay with being called names or its going to cripple your relationship with the Lord.


Because what people can't see is what they don't know. They don't know that the old man in your neighborhood lost his son and never recovered. He never asked for help or grieved and when his wife died soon after he became bitter and angry and he is trying to do better now. You don't know that your uncle has an enormous guilt ghost from his younger years that follows him each day and tells him what a screw up he was and how many lives he has messed up and that he will never be enough. So he goes to church to try and repent for a little bit of his shame.


You are NEVER going to live the life of a perfect Christian and you will never keep people from calling you names. But what you have to know is that God doesn't care about any of that. He only cares about YOUR heart.


 I think people worry too much about what others think of them. Stop doing this.


  You can't sacrifice your eternal salvation and a wonderful relationship with God because you worry how others will react, treat you, say about you. Doesn't that seem so silly?


For those of you that feel you don't need God and you don't need church, I say to you how amazing it must feel to be able to do life alone. To never be thirsty. To have your soul so filled up by whatever earthly things you have purchased that you don't need any of this. To be so perfect.


So the next time your Aunt Gladys pulls you aside at the family reunion to talk about Jesus when all you wanted to do was get some more kool-aid, sit with her and listen. Forget about the mistakes she has made and continues to make because she is trying every time she goes back on Sunday. She has witnessed first hand how trying and listening can change your soul and heal your spirit. She isn't a perfect Christian. She may not even be a very good Christian but she wants to be. And what she needs is your support and not your judgments. So  instead of cutting her off to grab a cup of Kool-Aid, listen to her and believe what she is telling you and you may find yourself enjoying a cup of the grace-orade instead.


Alison Wright is a member of  a small church of believers in Coronaca, SC. They put up with her bad jokes and loud laughter and let her teach music during VBS even though she always forgets the dance moves. She quietly sits next to Mr. Pinson three rows from the back and listens to what the preacher has to say. She has never been more hydrated.