I'm not that kind of mom

As we approach Mother's Day, I began reminiscing about the last 4 years. Before I became a parent, I really thought it was going to be all sunshine and roses. It would be hugs and kisses and lots of love and fun. We would go on play dates and I would make friends with other mommies and we could offer support and encouragement. I was going to be the world's greatest mom and have a mug to show it. Then I became exhausted and overwhelmed by being a mother. I also learned other moms are sometimes the worst judges and actually make you feel bad about parenting. So in reality, I am more like this mom....

So...what went wrong and why?

First, I learned to be tough. If I am not tough then they are not tough and setting boundaries is of utmost importance to me. My kids know they are not in charge and that there are consequences to their actions. Is that easy? No, It's hard. It's just about the hardest thing I have ever done. Why won't they just act right? Because they are kids and doing the wrong thing is ingrained in them from birth. It's our job as the parent to teach them that the world doesn't revolve around them and there is a difference between right and wrong. This is not a blog entry about spanking vs not spanking but I do spank my children. It's not because I am out of other options or frustrated, Dr. Phil. I do not spank them frequently and it's mostly because they have just done something dangerous or disrespectful. They have crossed the line from nice mom to crazy mom. Maybe they will be in therapy one day explaining how I spanked them and it ruined their lives but I had rather them be on a plush burgundy couch then in a cold prison cell. I take this part of my job very seriously and I will one day be mortified to learn they have disrespected a teacher or bullied another student and they will get 'worn out' should this ever occur. Some things are just unacceptable!

They have chores and responsibilities and if they don't complete those, they are punished. I expect my kids to do what is asked of them as early as the age of 2. Crazy wish, huh? But I do try and teach them to clean and take care of the items that have been purchased for them. They know if they break their favorite toy in a fit of anger one day, another one will not be purchased. Too bad, so sad. Again there are consequences to every action.

I expect a lot out of my kids because I believe if you have high standards they will meet those just as if you have low ones. I expect them to be their best and give their best everyday. And if that is being a tough mom, then I am glad I am a tough mom. Some days are challenging and some days I want to hop in my car, drive to Vegas and change my name to Candy Land.

My point is it's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to not have a sparkling clean house with all the laundry folded and color coded in everyone's drawer. I never have my laundry done, its a never ending task at my house and I hate it more than anything else on earth. What I am doing here is shaping and creating two people that will go out into the world and make it better or worse. When you stop to think about it you realize what a huge responsibly it truly is. I yell and I get fed up and I need a break, I'm human. And those other 'perfect' moms are lying. Talk to the real ones for just five minutes and they will break down in tears and tell you the truth about how hard it really is to keep it all together.

But at the end of a long week, I look at those sweet kids and the way Mattie will help her sister off the ground when she falls and the way Gigi will jump in and help Mattie clean her room and I smile and I know I'm not doing so bad of a job, although I still don't have a mug to show it!

Happy Mother's Day Moms, Keep on Keeping on!

The thin line between guilt and gratitude

Some days I wake up and look around and think, "wow, what a lucky girl I am." On these days I am grateful for all that I have. Even when I turn on the water to shower, I think about those that do not have clean running water and I often think, 'but for the grace of God, there go I.' These are the days I am grateful.

But I also have days of guilt. As I am thankful and grateful and more importantly aware, I also have a feeling of guilt. It's hard to be grateful without feeling guilty. I think the two go hand in hand. When I walk to the mailbox, I return to my home with new eyes as I make the trek up my driveway. I will think how lucky I am to have a heated and cooled home and people that love me and I feel completely guilty rather than grateful.

I have worked hard for everything I have. I was not a trust fund baby and no one died and left me money. My college education wasn't paid for and every month our student loan bill reminds me of this. I spent a lot of time studying and writing papers and doing without so that I could live the life I have today. But others haven't been fortunate enough to be stressed about a paper that is due in 3 hours, and this is where my guilt takes over and my gratitude gets left behind.

You see, I believe that you work hard for everything you have, there are no free rides and often my theory is "I did it and you have the same opportunity." But I am also a human being. I am an overly compassionate human being. And I understand something that most people on this planet will never learn or care to know. Everyone didn't start off in the same position of the race and I had a advantage from the beginning. I didn't grow up in an abusive home. I didn't witness drugs and violence and death and hate. Did I have a perfect childhood? Of course not. But I also didn't have the same one that some of the people in prison and people living on welfare and in the projects had. I had options and opportunities. I had hope.

So today, here I live as a 35 year old in a nice neighborhood. My kids will attend nice schools without gangs or violence and can even attend private school if I so choose. We have choices. We have options. We have better. But not everyone in America has that and this is where my guilt takes over. Why do my kids have so much when other's kids have so little. Is it because I love them more? No, it's not. It is because I have more. I started the race of life in a better position. I had better shoes and was closer to the front, I was able to run the race and finish because I was born into a situation that allowed me to do so. This is my grace.

So how do you balance the guilt? How do you enjoy all that you have without the constant voice in your head that says, "do something to pay me back for what I gave you." That voice, I believe is God. It's our mission on this earth to do things for other people, to make their lives better and if you can't do that then surely don't do anything to make their lives worse.

So I have embarked on a new journey in the hopes that I can share my gratitude with others. When we first moved the Greenwood I noticed an area of town that needed help. It's an area of run down homes and poverty. I drive through there often. Each time I would think to myself, "Why hasn't someone done something?" There are rows of dilapidated and broken houses, an area of hopelessness, that so many people drive through each day. Most are probably too busy switching their radio station or texting to notice, but I notice. My guilt tells me to look. So I look and I watch and I wave at people walking along the sidewalk that I don't personally know but that I do know need someone to care, to take the time to say, "you matter."

Then one day I had to take my girls to school early in the morning which I normally don't do. I drove down this street and saw kids standing on the sidewalks and sitting on porch steps waiting on their school bus and it occurred to me for the first time that children are living in these homes. These rentals with investors that just want the bottom line and their rent, are also home to children. These kids waved at me as I drove and they smiled. I no longer wondered, "Why hasn't anyone done something?" I began to think, "Why haven't I done something?"

I immediately went home and looked up the city of Greenwood's council members and eventually came across the city manager. I asked him to please let me know of any volunteer efforts in this area because I wanted to help. He responded back gratefully and sent me the contact info of the association for the neighborhood. I called and spoke to a lady named Beth. She was so excited that I cared and was interested and I feel it reunited her faith in humanity. She said they felt like the forgotten people. We have since began working together to improve this area. I have attended meetings and heard about their road blocks and the lack of love and support from those that have the power to change things. My hope is that I can speak to them and change their hearts but I will need lots of prayers and luck to do so. Beth and her team have been at this for years and to no avail. Some people only see the all mighty dollar in this life and can't fathom that they won't take it with them when they die. This has always and continues to amaze me about the human spirit, our lack of connection to one another.

We are currently organizing a fun walk to raise awareness and draw attention to this area. We hope to find people willing to give their money and time to make these homes safer for the families that live there. Everyone deserves to live in a pleasant and safe neighborhood even if they began the race behind others without proper footwear and at the back of the crowd. It's my way of saying, thank you for your grace and blessings, God, and I hope I make you proud.

We should all live our lives with a little but of gratitude and a little bit of guilt, it keeps us grounded and in check with the world. Change doesn't come about easily and it takes hard work but it's worth it when you can make a difference to someone else and be a blessing to their life. Because that is really why we are all here, to help each other. Be grateful for what you have and be a blessing to those that don't. We are all in this race together and the real winner will be those that served others not those that served themselves.