High school was so totally stupid

I have a reunion coming up next year. 20 years. 20. I often wonder if I blacked out. Have I been present. How did this all happen? It doesn't feel like 20 years since I walked the halls of my high school. It doesn't feel like 20 years since hanging out at McDonalds was the coolest thing to do. Wow, what happened and what will it be like to see those people again?
I have to admit I am a little nervous. Not because I am worried that I don't feel successful enough, attractive enough ,etc. I am all those things already so that's not a worry (sarcasm)
But what about how they feel about ME. What about their memories of who I was 20 years ago. I am not that person anymore and can only assume neither are they.

I was a clown in school. I know that seems impossible if you know me now (sarcasm) but really, I was. I didn't care about academics or grades or my future for that matter. I wanted to hang out. I wanted to be with my friends and have fun and live that life forever. My life was parties and fun and sleep and if I had the chance to do it over, I would have never done that and spent every waking hour with my grandparents (but that's another blog post). I never wanted anything to change and I cried at my graduation. I actually cried. I was having the most fun ever and now I had to leave that and my friends and go 'do something with my life.' I was lost and confused and scared. And yet, as adults, we expect so much out of 18 year olds  now. Strange, huh?

Remember those aptitude tests. Remember those? You answer all these questions then it tells you what you should be when you grow up. Mine said bus driver. Yep, drive a bus Alison, we have high hopes for you, kid. We had to meet with our counselors one on one and she said, "Have you applied to any jobs yet Alison, college probably isn't for you, based on your history." At 18 I had sealed my fate. A bus driver without a college degree. The future was so bright I had to wear shades.

Remember your permanent record, I am hoping my counselor shows up to hand those out at the reunion and I can show her my college degree. Anything you ever did would go on your permanent record, including the time I missed so much school my senior year I almost failed due to truancy. All of that and more is somewhere out there on a record, right?  So with this record floating around, how do we ever move on? 

People are going to remember you and have opinions of you. They may remember the fun stuff, the bad stuff or nothing at all. But whatever they remember, that is your permanent record, so in a way I guess it really does exists.

A few weeks ago I was teaching children's church and we discussed Daniel and his life and how his reputation was so important. The kids threw out ideas like, "yeah, this one kid in my class always gets in trouble, he's a troublemaker." I said, "will you always remember that or can he change your opinion." They responded, "oh he will always be a troublemaker."
I wanted them to understand that every decision you make, everyday, will follow you forever. You were always building your reputation or tearing it down and how people feel or think  about you is the result of your everyday actions. You were always building your permanent record and you were just a kid. At a time in your life when the point is to make mistakes and bad choices, you were being held accountable and judged for the remainder of your life. People will never forget.

It won't matter at your reunion if you are a brain surgeon or if you married a celebrity because when you were 17 you slipped on the wet bleachers at the football game and fell down 7 steps. People are going to remember the fall. And they will bring it up over and over. It was added to your permanent record. This is why I think people have anxiety about seeing their old friends. They are different people today and they want people to know them for the way they are now, not at 17. But is it possible to forgo our permanent records?

Well, maybe.

I left home when I was 21. I moved off to attend college and only retuned home occasionally. I rarely ever saw my friends anymore and most of my time at home was spent with family since I was only in town for a long weekend. People that knew me then and know me now basically know me now by my social media. I still don't see or spend time with my classmates when I visit my hometown. I may run into someone and we do the friendly, "Its been forever, how are you?" But its surface and I try my best to portray a person different from who I was at 18. Because the truth is none of us knew who we were at 18. It defines your life, your personality, who you are to the world in 4 short brief years of chaos and confusion and trying to fit in and figure out who you are and how to not become a bus driver (not that there is anything wrong with that)

I missed my 10 year reunion because I legitimately had plans that couldn't be changed. I was scheduled to give a speech at the camp I had spent 5 summers as a counselor. For years after I would see people randomly when I was visiting home and they would say, "I can' t believe you didn't come to the reunion." In a way I felt like I missed out and I wanted to make sure I made the next one.
So, I am going. I am excited and I honestly can't wait to see my old friends.

 My permanent record? Well, that is for them to decide. For me, I can't wait to be re-introduced to the people I use to share so much fun with. I can't wait to meet them today, talk about our glory days and remember how high school was so totally stupid.

Why you forever need your girlfriends

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is hard. And busy. And sometimes mundane. I have always heard people say that once you have children your life will pass you by. This is true. Each day runs into the next. You muddle, you laugh when you can and you pray Friday will get here quickly. You love your family and your husband. Your kids drive you crazy but you can't imagine life without them and they are the best part of your best self. You keep up with people on Facebook or Instagram. You consider them friends because as adults how much time do we really have to spend with anyone? So you make excuses. You tell yourself things like, "I can't drive 2 hours to meet you for dinner, I am a mom now." OR " Yes, we should get together, let's do that soon." The last one you say just to be left alone. You nor the person you are speaking to have any intention of following up on that plan. We all do this. And it's awful. It's wrong. And our time with those we love and never see passes each day and we don't do anything about it. We need our friends NOW more than ever.

I have awesome friends. I do not take this for granted. I have friends that allow me to do really stupid stuff then forgive me and move on. I have friends that watch me do really stupid stuff and laugh with me. I have friends that will be my friends forever. This is a relationship that I do not take likely. It's one of the most important relationships you will have in your adult life. Your friends know you unlike anyone else. Call your friends. Don't just like their status on Facebook. Make plans. Show up. Be there. Laugh. Relax. Be you.

We all need that comfort zone where we can say what we need and have someone who listens, understands and explains what you should do next. When we have the toddler meltdown and we think we are the only moms that this has ever happened to, our friends can say, "Yeah, been there." When we have that situation at work with the weird lady that obviously hates everyone including you, we can tell our friends all about it. We laugh, we make fun of you and by the end you think, "Screw that lady at work, I have awesome friends!" It's a de stressor to have a close relationship with your friends, to get away and get your head straight. To make everything right with the world again. You can tell them any and everything. They relate, they advise, then they tell you how stupid you are being and that you need to get it together. Next, they will pour their selves the last glass of wine when no one is looking.

THEY ARE GREAT PEOPLE.

It's hard to be a mom and a wife and an employee. You feel pulled in so many different directions and its easy to lose your footing. We all need those people to stand us back up again and tell us "Hey I like you, you're awesome!" I feel this way each time I drive away from my spending time with my friends. We all met in one city but have since scattered which makes getting together more difficult, but we just never give up. We don't have the fake "yeah, I will call you, we should get together." We say this then 24 hours later you get invited to a random event on Facebook that involves everyone you love. You quickly grab a calendar then count the days. You remind each other every week how long it will be until you see each other again. Its a connection and bond like no other...

and its one of the most important and underrated aspects of adult hood.

Finding someone that gets you and loves you anyway is like finding that cashew in the mixed nuts jar. You are so excited you found it that you devour it while savoring each moment. Because there are always plenty of peanuts in the jar, but Cashews are rare.

Salty coffee and melted crayons

I think its really difficult to try and live in the moment when you have children. I often catch myself glancing at my husband across a pan of frozen lasagna and think how awesome it will be one day when the kids are grown and just he and I will be able to date again and focus on our lives. We will go to Paris and Hawaii and sleep in on Saturdays. I will let dishes pile up in the sink and make PJs my official uniform (okay, it already is).

Somedays being a parent is like being stuck in purgatory. You know you had a past, you can't really remember what it was like but at the same time you have no idea what the future holds. It's filled with days of pouring salt into your coffee because someone was playing on the counter and finding crayon has melted all over your dryer because someone had them in pockets. You just know you are ready to move beyond this. You are ready for kids to be able to brush their own teeth, to travel to a grocery store without having to spank your kids in front of total strangers because they are having a melt down for M&Ms but their dentist has already given you a guilt trip about a stain on a back tooth. At this point, humiliation in front of strangers is a fair trade off for having a great dental check up.

These are the days of parenting. It's exhausting and mentally straining. Most days I wish I could walk through my hallway without stepping on a toy and shouting out profanity as I look for the culprit that left Legos all over the floor. Yes, all of this and more are daily routines for parents. It's what we signed up for and it never lets you down. Just when you think your kids have finally learned the meaning of being a good sister, one runs in screaming because they were just hit in the head with a cup by the other. You sigh, you laugh a little, and you think, Lord, are these really my kids?

I had a professor in college whose wife had recently had a baby. And one day, during his lecture he stopped and said that he just needed to share with us the truth of parenthood. Obviously none of us or not many had children at this time. He then went on to say something I will never forget," Having a child is like having your heart leap from your chest then go for a walk in the world." I always thought his words were beautiful but never fully understood their depth until I went though this journey myself. This is exactly what it feels like.

I have learned through trials and tribulations that the best way to keep your sanity and smile through it all is surprises. I love to surprise my kids. I do this so often that when I pick them up from school, they will ask me, in front of judging adults, "Mom, do you have a surprise for us?" I know you think I spoil my kids. But I do not. You are not in my house each day and you don't know our family. What you don't know is that my kids have to keep their rooms clean. They clean them almost everyday and they are punished when they don't clean up. They are learning about life through conversations about stereotyping, friendship and bullies. I explain to them when mommy makes a mistake and how its okay when they make one too.

Their childhood is fleeting.

Each day they are a little older then they were yesterday and I only have so many days, minutes and seconds to prepare them for life and help them believe in magic. The timer started the day they were born. I want them to be strong and independent and not too scared to have a little fun. Reality isn't sweet or kind or forgiving and they have begun learning the rules of life and will continue to do so. So for now, I want to add that magic and spark that will all too soon be gone.

So yes, I do surprise my kids a lot.

I pick them up from school and when I hear that phrase that make me scrunch my face and curl my toes a bit out of the judgment of others and I remember that these days won't last forever.

"Yes, baby," I respond. " I've got your favorite slushes in the car!"

"Yes, sweet girls, I went to the store and picked you each up a new pair of PJs'!"

"Yes my angles, tomorrow is going to be a mommy-daughter day."

They light up in a way that reminds me how much I used to love surprises as a child. They have plenty of time later in life to be dwindled down by the day in and day out. If I can add a little magic and excitement to their childhood today then I will do that. I will lay on the driveway and let them outline my body in chalk then color it in pink because that is their favorite color right now. I will take old planters and turn them into fairy houses to place in the back yard so our fairies in the trees can have a place to live. I will have pancake night and movie night. I will let them play dress up on me and brush my hair because one day they won't be so willing to give me so much of their time. One day they won't say, "Mommy, do you have a surprise for me?" One day they won't ask, "Mommy, will you lay in bed with me?"

One day they will live miles away in some place like Ohio and care about school, and work and vacations with their girlfriends. One day, I won't be woken up at 3am because a little monkey wants to just snuggle and kick me for 3 more hours. One day will happen faster than my heart is prepared for. And one day Jeff and I will finally have time for Paris and Hawaii and late Saturday mornings, but we'll probably just retire in Ohio. Who needs Hawaii anyway?