I have to admit I am a little nervous. Not because I am worried that I don't feel successful enough, attractive enough ,etc. I am all those things already so that's not a worry (sarcasm)
But what about how they feel about ME. What about their memories of who I was 20 years ago. I am not that person anymore and can only assume neither are they.
I was a clown in school. I know that seems impossible if you know me now (sarcasm) but really, I was. I didn't care about academics or grades or my future for that matter. I wanted to hang out. I wanted to be with my friends and have fun and live that life forever. My life was parties and fun and sleep and if I had the chance to do it over, I would have never done that and spent every waking hour with my grandparents (but that's another blog post). I never wanted anything to change and I cried at my graduation. I actually cried. I was having the most fun ever and now I had to leave that and my friends and go 'do something with my life.' I was lost and confused and scared. And yet, as adults, we expect so much out of 18 year olds now. Strange, huh?
Remember those aptitude tests. Remember those? You answer all these questions then it tells you what you should be when you grow up. Mine said bus driver. Yep, drive a bus Alison, we have high hopes for you, kid. We had to meet with our counselors one on one and she said, "Have you applied to any jobs yet Alison, college probably isn't for you, based on your history." At 18 I had sealed my fate. A bus driver without a college degree. The future was so bright I had to wear shades.
Remember your permanent record, I am hoping my counselor shows up to hand those out at the reunion and I can show her my college degree. Anything you ever did would go on your permanent record, including the time I missed so much school my senior year I almost failed due to truancy. All of that and more is somewhere out there on a record, right? So with this record floating around, how do we ever move on?
People are going to remember you and have opinions of you. They may remember the fun stuff, the bad stuff or nothing at all. But whatever they remember, that is your permanent record, so in a way I guess it really does exists.
A few weeks ago I was teaching children's church and we discussed Daniel and his life and how his reputation was so important. The kids threw out ideas like, "yeah, this one kid in my class always gets in trouble, he's a troublemaker." I said, "will you always remember that or can he change your opinion." They responded, "oh he will always be a troublemaker."
I wanted them to understand that every decision you make, everyday, will follow you forever. You were always building your reputation or tearing it down and how people feel or think about you is the result of your everyday actions. You were always building your permanent record and you were just a kid. At a time in your life when the point is to make mistakes and bad choices, you were being held accountable and judged for the remainder of your life. People will never forget.
It won't matter at your reunion if you are a brain surgeon or if you married a celebrity because when you were 17 you slipped on the wet bleachers at the football game and fell down 7 steps. People are going to remember the fall. And they will bring it up over and over. It was added to your permanent record. This is why I think people have anxiety about seeing their old friends. They are different people today and they want people to know them for the way they are now, not at 17. But is it possible to forgo our permanent records?
Well, maybe.
I left home when I was 21. I moved off to attend college and only retuned home occasionally. I rarely ever saw my friends anymore and most of my time at home was spent with family since I was only in town for a long weekend. People that knew me then and know me now basically know me now by my social media. I still don't see or spend time with my classmates when I visit my hometown. I may run into someone and we do the friendly, "Its been forever, how are you?" But its surface and I try my best to portray a person different from who I was at 18. Because the truth is none of us knew who we were at 18. It defines your life, your personality, who you are to the world in 4 short brief years of chaos and confusion and trying to fit in and figure out who you are and how to not become a bus driver (not that there is anything wrong with that)
I missed my 10 year reunion because I legitimately had plans that couldn't be changed. I was scheduled to give a speech at the camp I had spent 5 summers as a counselor. For years after I would see people randomly when I was visiting home and they would say, "I can' t believe you didn't come to the reunion." In a way I felt like I missed out and I wanted to make sure I made the next one.
So, I am going. I am excited and I honestly can't wait to see my old friends.
My permanent record? Well, that is for them to decide. For me, I can't wait to be re-introduced to the people I use to share so much fun with. I can't wait to meet them today, talk about our glory days and remember how high school was so totally stupid.
